I haven't written on here in at least three months. I feel as if I never have anything important to say anymore, but if you would still like to read about my life, go here:

www.reveillezmonesprit.tumblr.com

I'm in the midst of a thunderstorm in Washington, Indiana currently.. and it is causing me to become a tad inspired to jot down a few things. I also am typing away on my longlost friend, Dear Laptop, and I am very excited to be reunited with this hunk of technology. A lot has been going on in my life, and although you may be apathetic towards these things.. for my own sake and sanity, I'm going to ramble on and on about these endless topics.

This summer has been a slow progression for me, towards new heights of maturity and deeper depths of the unknown. Musically, I have started up a site and recorded a song. I'm so thrilled to have had that opportunity and can not wait to see where God is taking me with all of this. I find no way better to express myself than through music, and I am so grateful that God has given me this passion for lyrics and melody. My prayer is to be able to keep getting better and always know that there is room to improve.

I have developed relationships with awesome people, and I've watched my relationships with others fade. I'm in a very peculiar stage in my life, and I feel that the people I thought were my closest friends have found other people to conquer the world with. It's been difficult for me, but I'm trying to branch out and hold onto the only stable thing in my life.. Jesus Christ. I'm trying to hang on to what little I have left, and I'm beginning to realize what I feel is worth the salvage. Sometimes what little you have can make a huge difference in your life. I have trouble with relating to people, and I feel that is holding me back from a lot. I've learned to embrace it though, because it is beyond my control. I want to make sure that the ones whom I love know that I love and appreciate them. I have few good friends, but few is so much more than none, and I want to grow closer with them instead of sitting on the sidelines and watching them walk away. This is up to me. If I do all that I can, I will feel accomplished. Even if it ends up with no companionship.

I've been doing devotions every night, and it has opened my eyes to many things.

I believe I'm ready for this new school year. Although I pictured myself to be starting my junior year of high school in a much different light, I want to take the good and the bad and make do with what I have. There are many things to give thanks for, it's just not always easy to see them plainly when you are blindfolded by pain and neglect. I have challenged myself to see past the obvious and look for things that are also clear, but I have been refusing to see for a long time. Until now.

I'm breathing in a new mentality.

I'm leaving Indiana on Sunday, and I don't want to. I feel alive here. And even when I'm feeling down, while I'm here, hope never seems too far away. I just want to make sure that this feeling of being ready for the world gets packed up along with all of my other stuff in my suitcases. When I get back, I want to make the rest of this summer last. I want to be strong and do what's best. This life is my only chance to show what I'm here for. This life is only lived once, and I would never want to miss that. I'm getting off the ground and I'm living. I am alive.

You know what is truly beautiful? The flaws of people. Flaws are so beautiful to me, because they are what makes up true love. You know you truly love someone when you love everything about them, so without flaws there would be no absolute love. For instance, Jesus Christ. He's given up his life for us because of our sins . Sins are the ultimate flaws. My goal from now is to find the beauty in everything. I want to love like Jesus loved. I want to reach out for the truth, not run from it.

I am determined to make something out of today. I don't have to do anything extravagant, but I want to do something that makes me feel alive. God's creation is so beautiful. I want to embrace it. I can't embrace it while I'm stuck in this rut. Time to get up. Time to go out. Life is just outside these doors.

You telling me that you wish you could make me believe in myself meant more to me than you'll ever know. It's all I've ever wanted anyone to tell me. And out of all people, you said it. You telling me that you believe in me made me cry. I broke down in tears because for once in my life, I felt like I mattered ... but I can't have you. And it's killing me. I don't want you to know, but it's killing me.

Add my music myspace: www.myspace.com/emilyunderwoodmusic

I would appreciate it, greatly. Also, a lot of people are listening to the song but aren't commenting. Leaving a quick comment would mean so much to me. I'm so thankful to have this opportunity. God is beyond great. Thanks for reading this, if you do. You're awesome!

I miss you, more than I'll ever admit
But I'm scared to find out what that means for you and me
And subsequently, I can't speak
So I'll just sing about what lies ahead
It's a mystery

First, just nod your head
Let me swallow my regrets

Let's begin, let's dive in
I'll be here
All we've got is time on our hands
I'll be here
Would you stay with me?

I don't want to get too close
But I'm inching closer as we speak
Make room for me
And I'm scared to death to lose it all
But for once I don't mind feeling so weak
How could this be?

First, just nod your head
Let me swallow my regrets

Let's begin, let's dive in
I'll be here
All we've got is time on our hands
I'll be here
Would you stay with me?

The airwaves between you and I
They're filled with noise, but we don't make a sound
We'll live this down
And I don't want to leave this place
Because I am so lost, but you make me feel so found
Lord, I want to be found
And I know you've got her
But I'm losing sight of myself, because she's around
And I know I'm singing selfishly
So I'll just leave you two be
And I really do hope you're happy
But just in case you're not
I'll be here

First, just nod your head
Let me swallow my regrets

Let's begin, let's dive in
I'll be here
All we've got is time on our hands
I'll be here
Would you stay with me?

I need opinions. First, on the song itself. Second, in the line "but I'm scared to find out what that means for you and me".. I know the correct grammar would be "you and I" but the song just doesn't sound right if I say it that way. Does it sound dumb if I use "you and me" anyways? And lastly, I need a title for this song. Feedback would be much appreciated.

Cornerstone was beyond incredible. I can't even begin to describe how much I would love to be back there. That has by far been the best week of my summer, and it will be a very difficult feat to achieve if you try and beat it.

I saw Relient K, and they did so well. I was so close to Matthew Thiessen, I could have peed my pants. I am so blessed and grateful to have been able to see them live. They are such an inspiration to me. I wish I could tell Mr. Thiessen how unbelievably amazing he is, and how his work has such a huge effect on my life. At the end of their set, they performed "Deathbed" as their encore song. They had people run on stage with sparklers, and they distributed them into the crowd and placed them all over anything and everything on the stage. It was awesome.

Also, my friend Amanda and I were waiting in line at a coffee stand and guess who walks up beside of us? Underoath. No lie. I thought I was going to keel over. Aaron Gillespie and Spencer Chamberlain were RIGHT in front of me. Later, I was walking with my friends Juliann and Daniel and a golf cart zoomed by and yelled "Hey Emily!" Just take a wild guess at who was seated in that glorious golf cart... yep, UNDEROATH (minus Aaron Gillespie, which was disappointing.) But Spencer Chamberlain knows my name! He's probably forgotten it by now, but hey, it was still exciting. They're so talented. I can't stop listening to their newest album.

Another experience that I am so thankful for is something that came as quite a surprise. I was sitting at our campsite, playing guitar and singing, and these guys walk up. They sat there and listened to me, and we just talked for a while and such. Later, they tell me that they are in a band and they have a time slot tomorrow on one of the stages that they don't want to use. They ask me to take it, because they think I am talented. I have no confidence, so this was truly a gift from God. Unfortunately, the stage wasn't set up the next morning so I didn't get to perform, but it was so amazing just to have been asked.

I wish I were back at Cornerstone, but for now I'm in Indiana, trying to look for the silver lining.

Cornerstone is tommorow, and I couldn't be more ready. It's going to be amazing. I'm determined to love every second of it, but I'm sure that will be no problem. Seeing Relient K and Copeland will be the best two things that have happened to me all year, if not my life.

Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in.

I'll be sixteen Sunday, and that's about all there is to say. I'm ready to live, so that's exactly what I'm going to do.

i don't feel myself today
just a figure in a big monopoly game
struggle is the price you pay
you get just enough just to give it away
i'm sinking, but i'm floating away
throw me a line so i can anchor my pain
the fabric is about to fray
the fabric is about to fray

maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
maybe you could take a look at yourself lately

things keep coming and i keep wondering
i start feeling the walls close in
things keep coming and i keep stumbling
i start feeling i'm strong enough to break
oh, i start feeling i'm strong enough to break

been running through my mind today
scenarios to add to your hypocrisy
no one ever takes the blame
but everyone is searching for a cure to the pain
nothing ever seems to change
oh, nothing ever seems to change
we just play like broken records in a deaf man's charade

maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
maybe you could take a look at yourself lately

things keep coming and i keep wondering
i start feeling the walls close in
things keep coming and i keep stumbling
i start feeling i'm strong enough to break
oh, i start feeling i'm strong enough to break

carry on, just a pawn, and the same old song
i'm still holding on
the fabric is about to fray

maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
maybe you could take a look at yourself lately

things keep coming and i keep wondering
i start feeling the walls close in
things keep coming and i keep stumbling
i start feeling i'm strong enough to break

things keep coming and i keep wondering
i start feeling the walls close in
things keep coming and i keep stumbling
i start feeling i'm strong enough to break
oh, i start feeling i'm strong enough to break

"Strong Enough to Break" by Hanson. I love Hanson more than you could ever imagine. It's not even fathomable.

No one go back and make a brand new start, my friend, but anyone can start from here and make a brand new end.
(Dan Zandra)

I can no longer allow my past or present to control my future. "Release your inhibitions" is right. I don't want to allow small things to get to me anymore. I shall no longer cry over little, petty things. I am young, but I am strong. Correction: I will become strong. I'm on my way.

P.S.- Wish me luck at the auditions for the school musical today!

Nothing is so strong as gentleness, nothing so gentle as real strength.

Last night I went to Kimmie and Elise's chorus concert, and they sounded so beautiful. They did a medley from RENT and I almost cried. I was so proud of them, I felt like a mother! I couldn't stop smiling.
Today yearbooks were passed out. I was on the yearbook staff, and I didn't even get a yearbook! Maybe I'm just whiney, but that seems pretty messed up to me. Do you agree that that is crazy? Anyways, I have a lot going on in the next couple of weeks/months. This afternoon I have an eye appointment and tomorrow after school I have musical auditions. All of next week I'll be cramming for my Algebra 2 EOC, and then I'll take (and-cross your fingers- pass!) it on Monday. I won't have to come to school Thursday or Friday of next week, because I have no exams those days. Monday will be my last day, unless I come back Wednesday just to say goodbye to a few lovelies. June is filled with exciting stuff, such as: my sweet sixteen!!!, my little brother Josiah's 9th birthday, my little brother Laban's 14th birthday, CORNERSTONE, hopefully getting the job at PacSun and other things here and there. I'm entirely ready for summer. In fact, I don't think I could be more excited.

I want to feel. I want to know. I want to love. I want to learn. I want to embrace myself. I want to find myself. I want to know myself. I want to trust myself. I want to love myself. I want to discover life.

There is something about the challenge of loving the unwilling that I am deeply intrigued by. There's something about someone saying they need no one, to make me want to be that someone. There must be a reason that I long for your attention, even knowing that your attention is never easy to get. I want to surpass your expectations. I want to make you believe in things you've never believed in before. I want to embrace this apathy for what it is, because underneath it all.. you do feel. You're alive, and somewhere in there I know you care. I can see it, lingering in the shadows of your hurt and fears. One day, someone will unveil the beauty of you and your feelings. There's something about the challenge of saving you that I love. What's more important: saving yourself or letting me in?

Maybe by letting me in, you will be saving yourself.

You give me hope. You're miles away, but your presence never seems far. With this small emblem of the existence of you wrapped around my wrist, I feel invincible, knowing that you are always there. Thank you for giving me this hope. Without you, the deepest shadows of my life would have never even begun to lighten. And even though those shadows frequently darken, spilling grey clouds and pouring rain into the the depths of my soul, I am always aware of the flicker in my heart. A candle in the dark, luminescent and bright even in the weariest of times. A seperate beat that is just for you. A part of me. You will never know how much I owe you, my dear one. Thank you, for your love and for your hope.
And you, precious and most amazing creature, you give me the will to go on. You give me the fight, the force; you are the wind that drives me to bluer skies. What I would do without you is unbearable to think about, so I shall not do so. You are indispensable to my life. Essential, you are. Seeing your smile everyday is what makes me believe that one day I may be able to smile as joyfully as you. You're the brightest star in the sky, the highest tide in the ocean, and the softest breeze on a summer day. Thank you, for being you. That's all I ask of you. Thank you.
I am forever grateful.

"Fear can drive stick and it's taking me down this road... a road down which I swore I'd never go."
from "Devastation and Reform" by (The Amazing) Relient K

In my Honors English II class we are currently indulging in the beautiful writing and terrifying experiences of Mr. Elie Wiesel. His book, Night, is filled with traumatic, horrifying, undeniably true stories of his encounters while in the Holocaust. He is a survivor, and was one of the many people at the concentration camp called Auschwitz. The horrors of World War II leave me speechless; I am numb to the perpetual depletion of compassion in the world. I cannot imagine being in Mr. Wiesel's position. I cannot express the amount of respect that I have for not only him, but all the others who were stolen of their precious lives.
I give my regards to them all.
In class, we were discussing how in the world anyone could condone the killing or even participate in the murdering of thousands of their very own kind. Humans killing humans. What a disgusting thought. I raised my hand and said, "Fear can drive people to do anything," and my teacher agreed. I believe we all ultimately forget that the residents of Germany during the time of World War II/The Holocaust must have also had it quite difficult. I am in no way, shape, or form accepting or encouraging the belittling of the Jews. I am only choosing to recognize the evidence of truth that fear is extremely powerful and significant in one's actions. What would you do if a small Jewish child knocked on your door, and needed a place to stay? Would you hide them even knowing that if you were caught you and your family would surely be put to death? Would you do it anyways, because you knew it was the right thing to do? In all reality, this person and their family is just as deserving as you and I are. So, what's the verdict? We all would inevitably desire to help this person, but how many of us would actually do it? It is always hard to nurture the truth, but it is becoming scarily easy to ignore it. Reading this book is opening my eyes. I need to teach myself that the truth is always the way. Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the light." We should all live our lives and train ourselves well, so that if and when the time comes, we will not back down because we are afraid.
We will stand strong and deliver what is expected of us.

The search for truth is more precious than its possession.

This quote has left me contemplating, and if you truly concentrate on the meaning you'll realize that Albert Einstein is exactly right. We all ask for the truth, but do any of us really want it? After we recieve exactly what we ask for, which is truth, we become angry at whoever was so kind to deliver the burden of the morality and reality of truth itself. I want to become better at this: sincerely wanting and yearning for the truth, whatever the truth may be, I want to accept and learn it.

I will love the light
for it shows me the way,
yet I will endure the darkness
for it shows me the stars.


And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.


I haven't written in a week, so I'm sure all of you were relieved that I was no longer annoying you by posting a thousand blogs. This week has been uneventful but great. I've been in a good mood for basically the whole week. I just bought these adorable shoes last night, and I'm wearing them today:






They make me smile every time I look down at them. And I really want to buy this:




Anyways, I really don't have a reason to be blogging particularly. Just rambling, I suppose.

I'd like to say that I am SUPER SUPER SUPER thankful for the Autosave that Blogger does every five minutes or so, because about a minute ago the ENTIRE class' computers shut down. The whole room was dark for about three seconds. It was so weird. Thank God everything I'd written already was saved. Thanks Blogger!

Anyways, I need to finish the project I'm working on. Have a lovely weekend!

We have a substitute in Computer Apps right now, and he is a little strange... not even being judgemental.

Anyways, a lot/not very much is going on in my life. I guess I could rephrase that and say that a whole lot of little things are going on in my life, but nothing gimongous is going on. Which is nice, and relaxing. I now have a job, at Mtn. View Rec. I work the concessions and get paid every week, pretty good money. It's hard, but worth it to get money.

Today I'm going home with Elise because her brother, Matthew, is having his 11th birthday party. He's precious. I made him cupcakes last night... and I'll upload the pictures from the camera soon. They're not exactly aspiring-pastry-chef material, but they're cute!

So far, today's been good. And I think it will stay that way. We shall see. Well, I shall see.

Eight It Up

8 Things I'm Looking Forward to:
1) Cornerstone
2) Going to Indiana for Matt's graduation
3) Amanda coming
4) SUMMER
5) Sweet Sixteen
6) Lunch (currently)
7) Seeing Alora sometime, hopefully
8) Going to the beach

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
1) School (I found out I finally am making an A in Algebra 2!!)
2) Slept
3) Ate dinner with the Phelps and April outside
4) Sat outside, in awe of the beauty of summer and Earth itself
5) Played my guitar
6) Wrote in my journal
7) Had a great phone conversation with Kimmie
8) Slept some more

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
1) Meet God, without dying
2) Bring my Gramie Juju back to life
3) Change someone's life
4) Become a "famous" singer
5) Travel the world
6) Have a discussion with Matthew Thiessen
7) Get into Duke University (even just for the satisfaction of knowing I could)
8) See things literally through another person's eyes, and allow certain people to see things through my eyes so that they could know how much I love them and what they mean to me.

8 Shows I Watch:
1) What I Like About You
2) Home Improvement
3) Secret Life of the American Teenager
4) The Hills
5) The City
6) Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
7) What Not to Wear
8) Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

8 of My Favorite Movies:
1) The Breakfast Club
2) A Walk to Remember
3) The Pursuit of Happyness
4) Seven Pounds
5) August Rush
6) The Parent Trap
7) Twilight
8) In the Land of Women

I am going to make a deal with myself, and all of you shall be the witnesses. I hereby proclaim to complete all of the following things on my list before I ever post another post on Blogger.

Emily's List
- clean room thoroughly (including vacuuming)
- organize dresser and clothes
- get all clothes washed and put away
- ask Dad about opening a bank account
- read Bible at least three times a week

Happy Belated Earth Day!

I know I'm one day late on this blog, but I still want to share with you some pictures of places and things on our beautiful planet that make me want to give God the longest bear hug EVER.



"He spreads out the northern skies over empty space; he suspends the earth over nothing. He wraps up the waters in his clouds, yet the clouds do not burst under their weight. He covers the face of the full moon, spreading his clouds over it. The pillars of the heavens quake, aghast at his rebuke. By his power he churned up the sea.... By his breath the skies become fair.... And these are but the outer fringe of his works; how faint the whisper we hear of him! How then can we understand the thunder of his power?" (Job 26:7-9, 11-14)



taken from: http://petit-cheri.blogspot.com/


taken from: http://petit-cheri.blogspot.com/



"How many are your works, O Lord! In wisdom you made them all; the earth is full of your creatures. There is the sea, vast and spacious, teeming with creatures beyond number-living things both large and small." (Psalm 104:24-25)




"The sun has one kind of beauty, the moon has another beauty, and the stars have another. And each star is different in it's beauty."
(1 Corinthians 15:41)




"Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours."
(1 Chronicles 29:11)



"Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made." (John 1:3)




"My whole being, praise the Lord, Lord my God, you are very great. You are clothed with glory and majesty; you wear light like a robe. You stretch out the skies like a tent. You build your room above the clouds. You make the clouds your chariot, and you ride on the wings of the wind. You make the wind your messengers, and flames of fire are your servants." (Psalms 104:1-4)




"You are the Lord, you alone; you have made heaven, the heaven of heavens, with all their host, the earth and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them. To all of them you give life..." (Nehemiah 9:6)




"Who has cut a channel for the torrents of rain, and a way for the thunderbolt, to bring rain on a land where no one lives, on the desert, which is empty of human life, to satisfy the waste and desolate land, and to make the ground put forth grass?" (Job 38:25-27)




"But ask the animals, and they will teach you; the birds of the air, and they will tell you; ask the plants of the earth, and they will teach you; and the fish of the sea will declare to you. Who among all these does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this? In his hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of every human being." (Job 12:7-10)





"There are three things that amaze me—
no, four things that I don’t understand:
how an eagle glides through the sky,
how a snake slithers on a rock,
how a ship navigates the ocean,
how a man loves a woman." (Proverbs 30:18-19)


And, so....
"You shall not pollute the land in which you live... you shall not defile the land in which you live, in which I also dwell."
(Numbers 35:33-34)

Recycle! Conserve energy! Do what you can!

Don't you just love the Earth?

"I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing..."

Relationships in the past that have left us hurt and alone seem to shadow everything in our lives right now. At least for me that's how it seems. I've come to realize that my relationship with Jesus Christ is the only thing that could ever fully mend the other relationships that have broken me severely. With Him, all things truly are possible. Which means getting over him isn't impossible after all. Although that's exactly how it feels at this moment, I know that eventually, one day, I'll be able to look back on this and know that because of the love and mercy of the Lord, I have been blessed with learning something from this heartache. I'm young... things will come around, right?

Last night I got exactly 44 minutes of sleep, so when I say I'm "dead tired", I literally mean I could quite possibly keel over at any second.

Spring break is over. Mine was really good, I enjoyed it. Marlee and I hung out a lot, and it was a relief to feel her back in my life. Please, don't ever leave me again...



We went to see The Hannah Montana Movie and 17 Again; and they were both super good. Surprisingly, neither were even the least bit corny. They were adorable.

I've been practicing guitar so much lately. The feeling that playing the guitar or keyboard gives me is indescribable. It allows me to release things that even I didn't know needed to be released. It makes me feel as if I'm on top of the world, and I actually can do something decently. It gives me confidence and bravery, if only for a second. When I finally get a song right, pure joy spreads from the tips of my fingers to the ends of my toes.

The Phelps are coming back next weekend, I think. I'm excited. Having them here was wonderful. We hardly ever get to see them, and now we get to see them quite frequently. It's great!

Well, good news! Great news, actually. I got my lovely laptop fixed, thanks to Jackson Phelps. Literally, a shout out/thank you to him.

I'm just lounging around, enjoying my spring break and the luxury of having my laptop again. I've just been playing guitar and ridin' around on the fourwheeler. I don't have anything in particular to talk about, so bear with me and my boredom at 5 o'clock in the morning. I'm just getting some new music, and learning some new stuff on the guitar. I guess I'll write later, when I actually have something of some importance to say.

I want the world. I want the whole world. I want to lock it all up in my pocket. It's my bar of chocolate.
-Veruca Salt, from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Have you ever wished that money really would grow on trees, so that you could travel to all the places you've always dreamed of? Have you ever imagined visiting every, single place in the world? Have you ever dreamed of living forever?

Because I have.

I got this idea from Elise, who got it from Mitchell Davis. Check out: 50 Things on YouTube. He's amazing. I figured this would be a fun way to learn a little bit more about me. (They are in no particular order, except the first two.)

1. Jesus Christ
2. Acoustic guitar, piano, writing songs
3. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
4. Sundresses and cowboy boots
5. The Twilight Saga! (esp. Taylor Lautner/Jacob)
6. Lemonade and strawberries
7. Summertime, green grass, blue skies, & flowers
8. Summer rain and a good book
9. Exposed brick lofts
10. Mitchell Davis
11. Polaroids
12. Pet ducks
13. Matthew Thiessen & the rest of Relient K
14. Jonas Brothers and Taylor Swift
15. 6:00 AM yoga sessions
16. Fashion
17. MySpace
18. Washington, Indiana
19. Cornerstone!
20. Elise, Alora & Marlee
21. Amanda Lynn, Jessie Benson & Juliann
22. Indie music
23. Art & literature
24. Alternative and country music (I know, 2 WAY different varieties; don't judge!)
25. Small dogs
26. Painted toenails
27. The beach
28. Secret Life of the American Teenager, The Hills, What I Like About You, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air & American Idol
29. WILL SMITH
30. Teddy Geiger&John O'Callaghan
31. Duke! (esp. John Scheyer)
32. A Coke & a long car ride
33. Mixed CD's
34. McDonald's french fries
35. Photography
36. Diaries/Journals
37. Gramie Juju <3
38. Trident gum
39. Baseball games
40. Italy and France (I wanna go!)
41. Flannel shirts
42. Candles
43. Daddy, Momma, &little brothers: Laban, Joshua, and Josiah
44. The view of the stars from my front&backyard
45. Guitar Hero and Dance Dance Revolution on Wii
46. A chick flick, mint oreos & my favorite blanket
47. Sarah Dessen & all her books
48. Converse
49. Hayley Williams! (& Paramore)
50. The color blue

I <3 The Perks of Being A Wallflower

I treasure every word inside of that book. If you've never read it, you are most definitely missing out on something that will change your perspective on life. I know I might be a little late on reading this, but I don't care. It amazes me. The depth of it is truly mind-opening. I can't wait to buy my own copy!

We accept the love we think we deserve.

But did we ever deserve Jesus' love?

The answer is, no. We didn't and we still do not. So, why is it that young girls and boys will play games with each other and give their hearts away so carelessly? Why do they expect Jesus to love them no matter what? He will, His love is unconditional. But do we really deserve his unconditional love? Everyone assumes that Jesus will always be there, and He will, but we should go to Him for everything. Not just to ask for things, or help us clean up our latest mess. Why do we take advantage of his concern? When it comes to humans, we don't guard our hearts and we don't even think about the other person's feelings. So, why do we expect Jesus to care about ours? Jesus isn't just another summer fling, or crush. He's the real thing. Real love, true love. We should start treating Him like He is. 'We' meaning me, you, and everyone. I'm taking this shameful blame, as well.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

I was reading the blog of Girl Meets NYC (www.girlmeetsnyc.blogspot.com), and she has incredible writing. Her thoughts provoked some of my own, and I thought I'd share them with y'all.

People are generally practical. Most people that I know have back-up plans for most everything that they do, "just in case" something goes wrong. And, that is the sensible, practical thing to do. But no, not I. I live and I dream. I cling to my dreams and hope for the best, but I'm never surprised when I fall. I pick myself back up, lacking confidence, but still getting up nevertheless. What does this mean? Am I a practical dreamer? I believe that I am quite the dreamer, but I'm completely aware of reality.

On the other hand, I finished I Am the Messenger. It left me speechless. I don't know what to say about it on here, other than GO CHECK IT OUT. The book itself says everything that needs to be said.

Being a dreamer, I also believe that's why I enjoy reading so much. Each book is a new dream, a new world that only I can create and only I can see. It's whatever I want it to be, and there are no limits. That's the feeling that reading gives me. That's also why I enjoy writing- I want to give people a chance; an escape from reality. A chance to create their own world. Everyone deserves that chance.

I have officially decided that spreadsheets should be completely nonexistent. That is our current subject of learning in Computer Apps class, and I'm not enjoying it in the least.

There was a monstrous thunderstorm this morning; yes, accompanied by the loudest thunder I've heard, which shook the house, and lightning that lit up my room. I turned my lamp on anyways, got up and got ready for school. I was a bit frightened though, I'm not going to lie. I usually love thunderstorms and rain, and I still do, but I'm so ready for summer. I've been waiting with alacrity, praying eagerly, yet it still rains day after day! It's starting to get gloomy... and that's when it should end. Summer + rain = Summer rain, which is the prettiest kind. That way I can have my cake and eat it too.

I'm reading a book called I Am the Messenger, by Markus Zusak. It's incredible. I'll give a full overview when I finish, which will be very soon. Possibly even tonight.

I hope your day is going wonderfully!

Today is a lovely day, and I feel good. I can honestly say that, and it feels even greater than you can fathom to be able to say that. I feel good. Such short, concise words, but yet they mean so much to me.

Although it may seem as if, I can promise you that I am not bipolar. Since the last time I wrote (which hasn't been too long ago), I've decided to try and gain a different perspective on things. And it's working. Yesterday, I cleaned my room completely. I'm talking about vacuumed and everything. It's spotless and it's such a refreshment. It helps with the whole, I'm-going-to-have-a-new-attitude thing.

I still have troubles and my well of tears is far from dry, but I'm taking life as it is, day by day. The simplicity and beautfy of life around me I'll miss if I don't start taking the time to notice. I'm Emily Dawn Underwood, and I am who I am, and I'm going to like it. I may not know every little piece of me- but that's part of the process, the journey, that I (and everyone else) is taking.

My papa arrived last night at about eleven o'clock. I knew he was coming down for spring break, but I didn't know he would be here so soon, considering our spring break doesn't start until April 10th. It was a pleasant surprise, and I'm happy to see him. He even brought a camper with him, so that must mean he's staying a little longer than usual. [:

Everyone and everything is bringing me down. Dragging me farther into self-consciousness. And there's one more reason I hate myself: for letting it all get to me.

Sooner or later, I won't be able to take this.

This life is about more than we could ever imagine. It's not only about where we've been, where we are, and where we're going, but it's also about the people we meet along the way. The experiences we dive into. The knowledge we attain. Even the heartbreak that we feel. It's all so surreal, catching your breath is sometimes quite impossible. Soak in everything that you can, feel the beauty that's within. Remind yourself that you are beautiful, because you are God's creation. I stand, stupefied, in awe of what He has made. Don't be afraid to be afraid. Reach out, and touch someone. Be whimsical and carefree. Every moment is a moment full of possibilities. Take chances, and let nothing pass you by. Let no moment go wasted.

There's so much to say, it's almost sickening. To think that I could write endless paragraphs, but never fully be able to get out everything that I need to drown out the voice inside my head. It tells me to keep writing, yet my fingers pause, afraid and confused. Stuck at a loss with no words, but a million thoughts. They're screaming at me from all directions, but I can't seem to find the key to unlock the door inside of me. I am always changing, yet change is the fear that I fear the most. Change overwhelms me; fills me with doubt and angst. It buckles my knees, and makes me cry. It whispers in my ear, vivacious and loud. Change is what it is, always changing. It's a part of everyone and everything. I can't escape it. I'm trying to let go, but it's fingers are wrapped around my wrist, and there is nowhere to turn. I must learn to live with it. Maybe that is the key; the key I've been longing for so long to find. The key to me.

We are all changing, evolving, and growing. It's the circle of life; the human cycle. No one seems to understand that completely, and if they do, they ignore it and blame each other anyways. Plenty of people have sworn to me that they would be there for me through whatever, but they are not sticking to their promises. When times get tough and I'm going through a rough spot in my life, however long that rough spot may be, they give up on me. It happens every time.

I'm sorry that I wasn't all you made me out to be. I'm sorry that I didn't live up to your expectations. I told you that I wouldn't. I'm sorry that I couldn't be all you wanted me to be. But I'm tired. I'm so tired of trying to be what everyone wants me to be, instead of just being me. Because the truth is, everyone is going to want me to be something different. Everyone has different needs and wants. I can't be everything, all at once. I can't be different things for different people. I just need to be me. I'm worn out, from trying to be "me". Obviously, I'm not being me. I'm being everything but me. If I'm not good enough, just leave me, like everyone else does, before it gets too late.

Even if you don't turn back, I will always be here, just in case.

Past, Present, Future

Sometimes, I wish I was still little again and was released from all burdens. I wish I could still be carefree and not care about boys, or what I looked like. I wish I could still have my daddy carry me in from a long car ride, after I'd fallen asleep. I wish we were still best friends. I wish you still beat me at chicken on the monkey bars, even if it did hurt. I wish we still woke up every Saturday morning and immediately went down to my trampoline and the attic in my barn outside. Our "playhouse". I miss you, and I wish things were the same.

But they're not, and they may never be. It pains me to say that, but somebody has to. We've grown up. We're in high school. Now the only games we play are with each other's minds, and we walk around every second worrying about what we look like, what the person we are passing in the hall is thinking, and other superficial things. It's so sad that we can pass each other in the hall and smile at each other like we were never friends. But that's not the truth. In high school, people you know become people you knew. Everything changes, whether you like it or not.

The present, at this time in my life, is a whirlwind of emotions. Some days I couldn't be happier, and other days, I don't think I could be more deep in depression. More and more each day, though, my friends are making me happy and helping me discover that there is more to life than tears and fears.

The future is not invisible, but it is not clear. I'm finally okay with that. I'm excited to be on my own, figure out where I'm going in life. I'm excited to make mistakes and call my dad to tell him about my horrible day at work. I'm excited to have a family with someone that I love. I'm excited for a lot of things, but I'm also very scared.

For once in my life I can honestly say that being scared isn't such a bad thing. Not in this case.

"I'm Not Over" by Carolina Liar = story of my life, just saying.

A lady from The Art Institutes just came and spoke to our class about the school, scholarships, majors, summer programs, etc. I was very intrigued, and am considering attending a program and researching their location in either Raleigh-Durham, New York City, or Nashville. I've always wanted to live in New York City. Some of the majors were culinary arts, web design, fashion design, interior design, broadcasting, photography, animation, and a bunch of others. It looks like an amazing school, and it would probably be a smart route to take when the time comes.

Let's hear it for America's Suitehearts

Maybe I was nothing to you, but you were everything to me. Maybe that's just the way it always goes. Maybe you'll always have feelings for me, and always keep that a secret. Or maybe you never had feelings for me at all. Maybe I'm not ready to fall, yet again. Maybe I need you, or maybe I don't. Maybe I'm tired of playing games. Maybe I'm not really sure of anything. Maybe you should swallow the words you were meant to say, or maybe you should just hurry up and let them out before they dissinegrate inside of you. Maybe I'll forgive you for breaking my heart this way. Maybe it's your fault. Or maybe it's not. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I should have watched myself. Maybe next time I will. Or, maybe, I won't. You're a contagious mystery, and I have yet to figure you out. Maybe I never will.

Today both Elise and Kimmie are gone from school all day long for some chorus festival. I have no clue who I'm going to sit with at lunch. Third period will definitely not be the same without them. First period was already weird without Elise and Caitlin in there, but at least I had Allen and Alicia. Emery, Makenzie, Emily and I also talked a lot more than usual. I'm in second right now, and it feels normal, because no one's missing. Third period, like I said, is probably going to suck. Fourth period will feel the same because everyone will be in there, I think. But I really miss Kimmie and Elise. I'll see Elise later because we're going to hang out, but I won't see Kimmie at all today. That's so weird to say. Anyways, pray for them to do good at their festival!

Tonight I'm going to the baseball game. I hope I don't regret it.

I'm also hanging out with Arod tonight. I miss her, even though it hasn't been that long since we've hung out. It's been a few days, maybe even a week.

I love my friends, so much.

And Alora, I'm very proud of you. It took a lot of guts, and I admire you for what you did. I love you with all of my heart.

Pilates/Yoga

Elise and I attended a Pilates class last night at the Hickory YMCA. It was really stress-relieving, I loved it. Elise's mom told us that they have yoga classes at 6:00 in the morning on Mondays and Fridays, so starting this Friday, Elise and I are going to go. We're excited, because it should be an extremely good way to start off the day. And it will help me feel better about my body, I think. I hope.

I don't know what else to write about. It's bugging me that for the last month or two, I haven't written anything that is really that touching. Not that I ever have... but lately, I just feel, I don't know. I still sort of feel like no one cares about anything I write. I would understand why they wouldn't, so I guess I shouldn't be complaining. I just wish I had something important to say.

I wish I knew how to word what I feel like I need to be letting out. It's all in my head, but nothing ever comes out right. People say they're there for me and that I can talk to them, but I just don't know what to say. It doesn't even make sense to me.

Last night I went to mass with Kimmie and then Life Teen with Kelly, which is the youth group at their church. I really, really enjoyed it. We all discussed the way we should present ourself. Our image. We also talked about how different areas and things in our life stress us out. We had an open, large group discussion. But because at first I can be somewhat shy, I didn't contribute to the conversation. I wish I would have. I tried, but every time I got up the nerve someone else started talking and I didn't want to interrupt.

What I was going to say was that I feel that pop culture and the media is constantly telling us to compare ourselves. I know that I personally compare myself to other people every day. I get insecure every day. I feel judged every day. It's a huge and depressing part of my life. But having alone-time with Jesus is the only place that I don't feel judged. I don't feel insecure. I don't feel the need to compare myself. I may feel all of those things, but I come to Him because I know that He is the only one that is capable of taking all that hurt away. That's why it is so very important to spend quality time with God, in silence. Don't be afraid of silence, because silence is good for you. I'm slowly starting to learn and realize that.

One of the youth leaders gave us all two stickers, and there were four posters up: pop culture, family and friends, fear of change, and classwork. We had to put our two stickers on the poster of things that stress us out the most. Reality hit me straight in the face when I realized that all of them were stressing me out completely. I was amazed that some kids didn't feel like they needed to put a sticker on anything, when I felt like I needed more stickers.


Summer's coming! Today is so pretty. Yesterday was so pretty. I'm enjoying all these beautiful days. I wish they'd never go away.

I want you to want me the way I want you. I wish I could make these feelings for you go away, but it's not that easy. I thought they were completely gone, but they obviously have reappeared. I should've never went. Then, I would've never seen you, you would've never hugged me, and I would still be fine. Then, I wouldn't feel so pathetic and alone. I wish you could just see things through my eyes, maybe then you'd understand. I really just want to go to sleep, wake up, and be over you. Too bad it doesn't work that way.

Everyone is busy this weekend, and it sucks. Everyone has to work, or babysit, or be with their boyfriend, or whoever. And that leaves me all alone. I hate being alone.

I'm at school right now, and it's a Saturday morning. It feels really weird. We only have a half a day today, but everyone has to work after school so it's not going to be exciting for me. I'll probably just go home and watch tv. Woo.

Right when I thought that I was completely over you...

I don't want to get hurt all over again. So, this time, I should just stop right where I am. I shouldn't even try. It's no use. I'm tired of being the pathetic one. I'm tired of being the unwanted one.

The Redemptive Power of Love

How far will one go to save the one they love? How far will one go to attain love? How far does love go?

Questions like these have a myriad of answers. Love is everything, all at once. Love is the most powerful thing in the world. And true love, is knocking at your door, my dears. Let Him in.

I feel weightless, numb, and sore. No, not in a physical sense. Nevertheless, just as hard to endure. As my fingers tremble with frustration, and my heart breaks from utter disaster yet again, I call on Your name. I just need to feel You, all around me, and know that I am not alone. I've been walking down this road for so long, yet I still have no clue where I am going.

It's been snowing for the past two days. It is now Wednesday, and I am finally back at school. While the snow is absolutely breathtaking, it came a little too late for my liking. I would've been ecstatic if it would have so elegantly fell on our pastures and fields about a month or two ago. But no, it falls now, so lovely, yet so inconvenient. I'm entirely ready for summer, and heat. The ocean and barefeet and grass. Flip-flop tans and pools. Air conditioning and popsicles.

I miss my laptop, so very, very dearly. I need a job, and I need to go get the Geek Squad to fix my dear friend. I think I shall apply at the Carolina Theater, because Lindsay (Kimmie's older sister) is going to put in a good word for me- and the boss loves her. Who knows, but I will be turning sixteen soon, so I'll be able to apply anywhere, practically.

I need to clean my room when I get home. I want to go to the ITS Theater Arts meeting after school, but I'm just so tired. I also have to finish The Count of Monte Cristo for class by Friday, and today is evidently Wednesday. So, I should get on that I suppose.

It's snowing outside. Doesn't seem to make things any better, no matter how beautiful it is.

I wish I didn't feel this way, but I wish for a lot of things. Looks like I've been wasting my time for quite a while now.

The rain outside is breathtaking. I want to go run, jump, scream, dance, yell, play and sing in it. Maybe I will.

"There is nothing like a dream to create the future." -Victor Hugo

I have got to believe in myself, but everyday it feels more and more impossible. Confidence becomes farther and farther away from my grasp. I have to remember, as do we all, that "God's spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us," (Romans 8:26). That is the Word of God, and God is never wrong. Therefore, I should live as if He is always beside me, instead of behind me. If I do not trust in Him, my life will never be complete.

As a claim to my newfound trust in Jesus Christ, I am giving up meat and all drinks other than water and juice for lent. In the South, giving up sweet tea, will be a revolution. I might even be in the newspaper for that one. That was a joke, by the way... Anyways, I wanted to do something that would really be difficult, and I think this definitely will be. I'm going to dedicate myself to this, because the Lord gave his son for me. This is the least I can do, but I will do it wholeheartedly.

I am also trying to let go of any hateful or boorish comments towards another person, and become a beneficent citizen to this society. I know everyone has made fun of someone at least once in their life, but I no longer want to be a part of everyone. I understand the hurt that comes along with being made fun of, and the last thing I want to be is a hypocrite.

I miss you, but your attitude pushes me away. You tell me about all of your new best friends that you're getting extremely close to, and maybe I should be a good friend and be happy for you. I am, but I'm also a very jealous person. Envy is another emotion of mine that I really need to work on controlling. I'm not as strong as you think I am.

I feel like writing this blog is pointless, and that no one truly cares whether or not I update. Nevertheless, I still write in it everyday. I guess it soothes me.

It seems as if my heart melts when I'm around you, so that I can't feel a thing. I'm numb, but I can feel every emotion I've ever felt all at once. I forget who I am, who I want to be, who I was, and who I'm trying to be for that one moment, and my true self comes out. All because of you. You make everything seem so real, but yet you're a mystery. You never say a word, but your eyes are screaming things at me. I may be invisible to you, but invisibility is crystal clear. You can't see it, but you can feel it, all around you.

Citizenship

Our most recent writing assignment in Honors English II has this prompt: "Write a speech for your high school graduating class on the meaning of good citizenship."

Citizenship is defined as the status of being a citizen, that is, a person owing loyalty to and entitled to the protection of a particular state. Historic, honorable people such as Abraham Lincoln and JFK were huge citizenship-fans. Citizenship meant a lot to them, and showed a lot about one's character. In the Fourteenth Amendment of the United States Consitution it states, "All persons are born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside." We confront citizenship as a legal issue: whether or not you were born in the United States, and if you were not, if you took the test and became a legal citizen. But citizenship is about so much more than that. Take away the government, and you will still have citizenship. Because citizenship isn't just about respecting your government. In fact, have you ever reversed it? Maybe citizenship is about being loyal to what is true and just- not the government. People are afraid to say things like that. It depends on what you are being loyal to, but no matter what, citizenship is about morality. If your government is dwelling in idiocracy and hypocrisy, then I believe that it is your job as a good citizen to voice your opinion.

Dear Mr. Vernon,
We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...
and an athlete...
and a basket case...
a princess...
and a criminal...

Does that answer your question?
Sincerely Yours,
The Breakfast Club

Today I really don't feel like being in this class. I usually don't mind, and nothing particular happened that is making me agitated, but I just want to go to third period and get to lunch. I'm hungry, and I want to be able to discuss things with people- no one talks in here.

I'm tired because I stayed up too late. Shocker, huh? I tried to go to bed around midnight, which is bad, but not too awful bad, but then I stayed up and watched The Breakfast Club and then got back on the computer for a little bit because I couldn't fall asleep. I'm in love with that movie, especially since it's an '80's film. It's amazing. Molly Ringwald is one of my heroes. She plays as Amy's mother in The Secret Life of the American Teenager, and I'm in complete infatuation with that show.


So... I just sneezed and the entire class said "Bless you". It was kind of awkward. Just thought I'd share that with you; let you giggle a little bit.

It's only 10:30 and we don't get out of here until 11:15, AND we have Advisory today. I am not excited. I want to go to third period already! This class bores me, and I would give anything to be able to go to lunch right now. I think I'm going home with Elise today after school. We'll probably chill at Kimmie's. Oh, that reminds me, funny story. Elise and Kimmie are in chorus, right? Well, all the chorus groups were invited to go bowling Saturday night, and we went. I went with them, even though I'm not part of chorus. I love Mr. Ousley. But anyways, so we were leaving the bowling alley, and I left my purse! Thank God I had my phone, but everything else was in my purse. I called Madisen (Forehand) and asked her if she'd keep it for me until Monday, because she's in my third period. She agreed to do that and I was all relaxed and relieved.. until I realized that my diary was in there. If she read my journal, she will here all about a certain someone and my "obsession" for him... I pray she didn't read it, because if she did, she'd probably tell him. I don't think she did though because the pen was exactly the way I left it, and I also don't think she looked through my purse and/or realized that it was a diary. Let's hope not.

I put my truthbox back up on MySpace. That may seem random and unimportant, but it just makes me think about the meaning of "truth", and what truth does to people. We all seem to ask for the truth, but only want to hear it if it is boosting our confidence. I am the same way. I am not very skilled at handling the truth, unless it's something good about me- and that is a horrible trait in which I need to change. Change is another terrifying word to me. I am afraid of change, yet it always seems to be lurking around in my life.


"... and these children that you spit on as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're going through..."
-David Bowie, opening credits of The Breakfast Club

Goodnight

Just thought I'd get on here and let everyone know that I'm still alive. If you care, that is.

I need rest. I'm so sleepy.

little, little feet trample over my heart
big, big tracks are left, far apart
i try to search and see,
who has left them for me
but all i can see is
the dark, dark, dark

Mardi Gras!

This morning started bad, and I was a little weary that my day would keep heading in that same direction. It's been fine so far though, so let's hope that it just keeps climbing higher and getting better.

After school, the french and spanish club are merging to celebrate mardi gras. I'm going with Elise, and then going home with her afterwards. We're supposed to go prom dress shopping in Charlotte tonight, so I'm hoping that plan gets carried out.

I don't have much to say, but I wish I did. I keep retracing my thoughts to see if there is anything important to write about, almost begging myself to come up with something creative. We still have about 20 minutes or so in here, and I've already completed all the assignments.

There was a fight this morning at school, and it was pretty intense. I didn't see the two girls that were actually fighting, but I passed through the hallway that it happened in. EVERYONE was swarming around them... 75% of the school was in that hallway at the same time. It was so immature- everyone crowding around to see them punch each other and scream unintelligible words. Of course, I can't say that I was apathetic. I was actually very curious, as I always am, but I left the scene and went to class. I guess I am being a bit of a hypocrite, because if I would have been able to see it, I would've probably watched it as if it were my favorite tv show.

Lately, I've been trying to change my degrading attitude towards life. I think that winter leaving and spring approaching is helping. "Spring cleaning" my soul. Thinking about it being summer soon is definitely helping this new revolution of mine. Not that I don't love winter- don't get me wrong, I certainly do, but for once I feel that I'm actually in need of a change- and the cold weather is only making everything more dreary. I'm ready for some fun in the sun! (:

Hiding away, losing the days

Letting your feelings build up inside you is no different than lying about them blatantly. It's okay to be afraid. It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to be jealous. those are all human, natural, realistic feelings. Do not be ashamed of them, for they make you real. We seem to forget that there is someone who cares, and his name is Jesus Christ. But that's not all we forget- we forget that he really, truly understands. I thought about this this morning on my way to school, while I was listening to a song called "Hide" by Joy Williams. In the song, it says "and if you feel like no one understands, come to the one who has scars on his hands". It hit me that I don't think I've ever truly grasped this concept of love and understanding that Jesus portrays. Jesus Christ died on the cross for each and every one of us. He was persecuted and tormented. He's been afraid, and He's felt sad. When we say that Jesus understands, we don't listen to our own voice. He has scars on His holy hands, and we act like He could never understand what we're going through? He died for millions and billions and trillions of people everywhere, and we act like He doesn't understand? I will admit that I acted this way, but today, I understand. I understand that He understands, and He is with me.

I also realized that it is okay to be happy. That is also a human feeling. I think that I feel that if I allow myself to be happy.. then I will become just like everyone else. That may have been my problem, all this time. The truth is, we can all have happiness. It is not unattainable, but it can be stolen from you. Happiness is that feeling you get when someone compliments you, or when someone makes you laugh. But joy- joy is always within you, even in your darkest times. If you have joy, then you still have that happiness inside of you even though you're hurting, or even though you're struggling. The only person that can give you pure joy is Jesus Christ.

I obviously don't have the skills to be a preacher.. but those were just some things that I was thinking about.

survey

do you hate people who laugh too much?
i didn't know there was such a thing.

do you hate people who act stupid to annoy you?
i don't get annoyed easily.

do you hate it when people take your food?
what's up with you and hate?

do you hate it when somebody calls you and you can't get the phone, but then you call them back and they don't pick up?
okay, not gonna lie, that is pretty annoying.

have you ever:
cussed at church?
no.

yelled at your mom?
yeah.

bite your nails?
all the time.

forgot to brush your teeth?
let's be honest, everyone has at least once.

got a tattoo without your mom finding out?
no thanks.

got a piercing without your mom finding out?
no.

went out with someone your parents told you not to go out with?
no.

drank?
no.

smoked?
never.

wrote on your school desk?
pretty much every day.

yelled at the teacher?
no.

punched someone?
i've never punched anyone in the face, but on the arm, yeah.

gone to detention?
blame it on the tardies.

forgot your homework?
yes.

passed notes?
c'mon, elementary school? all the time!

egged someone's car?
no.

got into trouble with the police?
not so much.

stole something?
definitely not.

ate junk food when you were on a diet?
i've never truly been on a diet.

seen a movie your parents would never let you see?
i don't think they'd mind too much about certain movies, but i didn't ask them.

got in a fight with somebody else's parents?
no.

ditched class?
haha, yeah.

texted during class?
every day.

drew on your textbook?
woops.

ran away?
thought about it, but never actually done it.

would you kiss your ex again?
no.

why did you break up?
i didn't feel anything special.

did they break your heart?
no.

did you break their heart?
no.

would you kill them?
NO!

do you hate them?
definitely not.

are you single or taken?
Jesus has my heart.

if you are taken, do you love them?
i love Jesus with everything that i have in me.

do they love you?
well, he died on the cross for me.

have you kissed them yet?
not exactly our kind of relationship.

your favorites:
movie?
a walk to remember and the pursuit of happyness.

tv show?
secret life of the american teenager and the city.

song?
way too many, bud.

band?
relient k, the maine, switchfoot, paramore.

hang out?
wherever's chill.

color?
blue.

store?
target. i love urban outfitters and free people too, but i can't afford them.

fruit?
strawberry!

vegetable?
corn.

subject in school?
history, english, french.

sick and tired of being sick and tired

you should check out the white tie affair. they're an amazing band. also, the cab. i love them dearly.

i have so many feelings at once, it would be much too difficult to try and explain them all. i'm not sure if i'm asking too much of God, or if i'm not asking enough? what i mean by that is this: when i pray, i'm usually asking for something. i should be asking God for things, but that should not be the epicenter of my prayers. i need to focus on giving thanks for what i have, whether i feel that is a lot or not.

it's not thanksgiving, but it's time to give thanks.

i got about 30 minutes to an hour of sleeptime last night, no joke. it's awful. i need to quit this horrible, insomniatic habit of mine. it's not healthy. speaking of healthy, is anyone as obsessed with apples and caramel as i am? that has got to be the best snack in the entire universe. okay, okay, i might not go that far... but it's really good!

i wanted to apply for starbucks, but you have to be 16. someone lied to me and told me that you could be 15 1/2 to work there. liar, liar, pants on fire. that disappoints me. i need a job badly, at this point. chickfila really does hire at 15 1/2... so i think i'm going to go apply there. even though i'll be sixteen in a couple of months anyways, i'd rather just go ahead and get a job somewhere now.

i'm so hungry, i could eat a... very large animal. i don't want to say horse, because they're way too pretty and i've always wanted a horse- so if i got a horse, why would i eat it? we'll say an elephant. yeah, that's it: i'm so hungry i could eat an elephant. although, i doubt elephant tastes very good.. whatever. you get the point. i'm really hungry.

"i'd be lying if i told you, losing you is something i could handle."

Lots and Lots of Nothing

I guess we'll go over my weekend, although I'm sure you are very apathetic towards how I spend my free time.

Friday, my dad took me and my friend Elise out to dinner at Olive Garden. I'd been craving it badly; it's my favorite restaurant ever. It was delicious as always, and we really enjoyed ourselves. After that, I went back to Elise's house with her, and we just got on the computer and stuff and waited for Kimmie to get off of work at 10. Then, we went and spent the night at Kimmie's.
Saturday, being Valentine's Day, I went home from Kimmie's around 11. Later that night, I came back. I can never stay away, huh? Anyways, we just chilled. Her friend Stacy came over for a little bit.
Sunday, I slept in and then went to Starbucks with Kimmie and her sister Leslie, and their friends Nick and Zach. Then we went home, went to church, went to Panda Express and came home.
Arod picked me up from Kimmie's Saturday night around 10:30, and we went back to her mom's house and just talked. I'd missed her! We woke up yesterday morning and got ready, went to Target, went to the mall, and then went to see He's Just Not That Into You with her little sister Kelsey and her mom. That movie was so adorable, I loved it. After the movie, she took me home. I watched the new episodes of Secret Life and The City, and then reruns of other stuff, and finally fell asleep.

And now I'm here, in this bland classroom, with this lovely computer.

The heart situation is still in progress. I don't want to base this off of feelings, I want to really be searching for something real.

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you are.

Butterflies

I saw you in the hall, and did I see a smile on your face? When you looked at me? A grin? A smirk? A half-smile? Anything?

I know I didn't imagine it. It was there. I know it.

That little, half-smile/grin/smirk/thing that you gave me when you saw me, made my entire day.

You give me butterflies.

It's 11:11 at this very second,

and I just wished for you.

Emotions

The only person who knows who I am, who I'm not, and who I want to be is God. And I am doing everything that I can to put my trust in Him; to trust Him with what He is doing with me and my life.

I feel happy, I feel sad
I feel good, I feel bad
I feel disappointed
I feel confused
I could win, or I could lose
I am weak, and I am strong
The battle's short, the fight is long
I don't want to speak, but I need to yell
Somewhere inside me, I have a story to tell..

but, I don't know what my story is, just yet. I'm still finding myself and creating my very own story. When you take all those emotions and put them into one, you just get a big, fat emotion called emotional.

Thoughts

Love is patient.
You and your brother are so completely opposite, that it's hard to picture the two of you as brothers.
I want you.
I don't like the way you let him run all over your life, as well as mine.
If I'm your best friend, or even just your friend, you should stick up for me.
Your Girlfriends > Your Boyfriend
As I type this, every time my fingers hit the keys, it stings a little. That's what you get for playing the guitar for so long.
I'm proud of myself, for teaching myself "Tim McGraw" by Taylor Swift on the guitar.
Marlee taught me Am.
I'm excited for Homework Hangout on Thursday. Hahaha.
Kimmie just told me that her Physical Science class is so boring.
I'm sorry, Kimmie! You'll see me next period though.
LUNCH NEEDS TO HURRY.
I look like crap today.
I'm going to try and not worry about it.
You're so amazing, even your lack of words amaze me.
Yesterday you wore my favorite color.
Why can't you leave me alone?
For some reason, I don't want you to leave me alone.
But, I would never admit that to anyone but myself.
Why does Matt Thiessen have to be 28!?
Haha/sentence/Lol texts= (:
Those sorts of texts give me butterflies.
Valentine's Day in 4 days.
Green is most definitely growing on me,
even more than I already liked it.
You're everywhere to me.
My cellphone makes me mad.
I'M SO EXCITED FOR SUMMER.
That line in my blog was not about you, and it hurts to think that you assume I would say something cruel like that to you.
I wouldn't. You mean a lot to me.
Give a valentine to the Lord: your heart.

Revenge

In Honors English II, we're reading The Count of Monte Cristo . It brings up an interesting subject: revenge. Have you ever really wanted to get revenge on someone else? I asked myself that question, and tried to place myself in Edmond Dantes shoes. This man was put in jail for respecting his captain's order, and because he was put in jail as an innocent, he would never be able to marry his fiancee, Mercedes, or become the captain of the ship, Pharaon, like he was originally supposed to. All because of Napoleon and his exile in France in the 19th century. I was trying to imagine the thoughts that would be running through my head as I sat in that jail cell, day after day, year after year. Would I be bitter at the world? Yes. Would I be bitter at the cruel people who set me up for this crime? Absolutely. Would I be bitter at God for letting something of that horrible nature happen to me? There's the question that hits me right in the face.

If I am going to truly call myself a follower of Jesus Christ, I need to be praising Him at all times and under all circumstances. Whether I am happy, or whether I am sad, I should praise Him. If I'm angry, let me praise Him. If I'm excited, let me praise Him. If I'm jealous, let me praise Him. Whatever emotion my hormonal self is feeling, I want to praise Him with everything that I have in me.

That is my prayer to you, Lord, that you shall give me the strength to worship you through anything and everything.

A Tale of Tales

Now that I've calmed down (NOT REALLY, BUT I'LL PRETEND) from the wonderful surprise of locating a blog written by the name of THE AMAZING, Matthew Thiessen (of Relient K), I'll try and write about my weekend as if someone really cares.

Friday I rode home with Arod, and after we took her sister and her sister's friend to her sister's friends house (tongue twister!), we picked up Chelsey and Nikki at Chelsey's house. Then, we went to Mega Tan. I sat in the front room on a bench, while they all tanned. I'd rather tan naturally, but I had no problem waiting for them. After everyone was baked and well-done, we went to the mall and caught a bite to eat. After taking Chelsey to her boyfriend's house, we then went back to Chelsey's (even though Chelsey wasn't with us) to hang out with Chad, because Chad wanted to see Arod. Confusion, confusion. Target was our next stop, and we just looked around and ordered a very small slushie that we all shared and a very small bag of popcorn. We went back to Chad/Chelsey's and then left, took Nikki home, and me and Arod went back to her peaceful home. Around Hickory in 3-4 Hours, I guess you could call this little adventure of ours.

On the way to my house the next morning, Arod and I stopped at McDonald's. I found quite a surprise there....
and, only certain people who read this will know what I'm talking about, if those certain people even read my blog. It was comical, but it was also a very subtle, yet huge, reminder that this time, it's different. Okay, I get it, now I'm speaking gibberish. I'll move on.

So, Saturday was somewhat of an eventful day. I guess it would be better to say it was an eventful night. Up until 6 o'clock all I did was clean and lounge around the computer. What a surprise, I know. Then Kimmie and her dad picked me up, we went back to Kimmie's, where we met Elise, got ready, and then Elise drove us all to Allen's Sweet Sixteen. A good amount of people were there. We had to leave early though, because Elise doesn't have her after-nine's. But we snatched some cake to take along with us. (:

Kimmie and Elise came back to my house to have a sleepover. We were on the phone with guys all night... LAME. It wasn't by choice, though. Well, certainly not my choice. Elise has a boyfriend and Kimmie has a "possible boyfriend". Kimmie was talking to her "possible boyfriend" and me and Elise were on the phone with Joseph, who is this freshman that I guess likes us all? Ha, wow, the world of high school... it's really all so dumb, if you ask me. I try my very hardest not to get caught up in it all.

Anyways, Kimmie and Elise left early Sunday morning to go to their own churches, and I awoke a little too early for my liking to go to mine. I haven't been in over a month, and it felt refreshing to be reunited. Although, it's ironic that I feel like my relationship with Jesus Christ has only grown much, much stronger while I've not been attending church. Hm, that brings up a sensitive subject for some, now doesn't it?

I'm glad I went back to church, though. Not only because it does help me better my worship surroundings, but also because I found out that they were starting a Guitar Basics life group at 5. So, I went to that, and I learned some stuff I already knew, and some more that I didn't quite know. I'm excited for next week's class. After guitar, I walked down to the main church building and we had Fusion. It deserves a whole new paragraph, let me tell you.

We had a guest speaker, Rusty (I forgot his last name). He is the founder of a youth convention named Shabbach. Shabbach is filled with contemporary "Christian" music and other events, and it really does change your life. I've been once, and I want to go again this year. But.. I think I'll have to give that up for Cornerstone...

Anyways, he spoke. He is EXTREMELY straight-forward, and you cannot help but let him get to you. It was amazing. He called up all the hurt teens, the fatherless teens, the teens that didn't have parents encouraging them to come last night. We all got up there, and then something amazing just overflowed. Everyone was in tears, and I, for one, was completely bawling. I could feel the presence of God in the room, and I felt him around my shoulders and tenderly holding my heart. It felt great to let everything out.

An awesome thing about God is, when you're praying, you may not even know what you're praying about. Or you may know, but you have no idea where to start or how to even begin to explain it. But when you cry out to Him, and you let everything else go, it feels as if he takes those words from you, without you ever having to say anything. He lifts the pressure of your shoulders. He always understands, even when you can't understand what you are trying to say.

I'm falling in love with Him more and more everyday. And while my wounds are still not healed, I feel that now I have a Band-Aid. Maybe the wounds will always be there... but my Band-Aid will never fall off.

Guess what I stumbled upon?

MATTHEW THIESSEN'S BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES, THE MATTHEW THIESSEN!

AM I EXCITED?!


YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES!

Schedule for the weekend.

Friday (Tomorrow): Riding home with A*Rod, picking up Chelsey, and going somewhere. We're not sure yet, though. Somewhere fun! Then dropping Chelsey off, and me and A*Rod will go back to her house and have a sleepover. Girl's night.
Saturday: Allen's Sweet Sixteen! OH SNAP! ALLEN'S 16!?!? (Well, not yet.) Going to his party, then back to Kimmie's house with Elise and Kimmie to have a Goonie-filled Sleepover.
Sunday: I want to go to church, I haven't been in awhile. And after that, I'm not sure, and you know what? I'm completely okay with that.

Moderate

I believe that I am too moderate. I am not extremely anything. I am not extremely pretty, extremely cute, extremely smart, extremely funny, extremely rich, extremely poor, extremely well-dressed, extremely shy, extremely outgoing, extremely patient, extremely stubborn. I do not have an extremely good body, or extremely good grades. I am not extremely talented at anything.

Everything about me is moderate, there's nothing special. I am moderately smart, I can be funny, sometimes I'm patient, other times I have trouble dealing with patience. I wrestle with self-confidence and self-pity everyday. Depending on the situation, I can be stubborn, but it's not my obvious trait. I can sing, and it isn't pitiful. Not that I'm aware of. But, I am no Mariah Carey, like I want to be.

It bothers me that the first thing on my list was "I am not extremely pretty". Maybe that's the one thing that I am extremely: vain. A different kind of vain than you would normally picture when you imagine a vain person. I am pathetically aware of my imperfections and am ashamed of them more often that not, but I still look in the mirror nonchalantly, all the time. As if to think that one day a different, beautiful, magical face will just appear, reflecting back at the person that I would so surprisingly find to be me.

I need to be who I am , and not what I look like. I try and live my life as if we are all Barbies, and I am the last one on the shelf. I live my life telling myself that I am unwanted. That is depressing, pathetic, and annoying for other people around me, I'm sure.

I want to be comfortable with my moderate self. I want to make myself believe that I am not moderate; that I am special. God believes that I am, why can't I see it too?

Speaking of God, have I ever mentioned how absolutely wonderful He is? This past week has flown by, but I feel so much closer to Him and His presence. I've stumbled along, day after day, in awe of the little things (and big things) in this life that God has so miraculously created. For example, the sunset. It's nothing short of perfection. If I could be a bird... oh, the adventures I would have. Little things such as the way the dew looks so pretty on the morning lawn, or how biscuits smell when you wake up from an amazing dream. Little things such as two people both having the same habit. Out of all the people in the world, it was us. For once, I have faith, that that might actually mean something.

I want to be able to take things I don't enjoy, and be thankful for them. Because, after all, God created them. And God amazes me in every single, little/big way possible.

I am trying to give Him my trust and my hand; to allow him to take me step by step through this process that I am so unfamiliar with. I am not afraid to admit I am afraid, but I am afraid of being afraid.

Anyways, life is going...smoothly...right now, for me. I still have my moments, my hours, my nights, my days, my weeks. And sometimes, I even have my months. But right now, I have amazing friends, that I love so dearly. There are new, old friends. And there are just plain new friends. But they are absolutely amazing, and I am so happy being with them and enjoying myself.

I am so, so, so glad for Kimmie and Elise. We just... bond. Click. Connect. Kimmie and I stayed on the phone for the longest time last night/early this morning, talking about how close we all have gotten so quickly and how much we love each other. How adorable, our little trio. I cannot express how happy I am to have them, and how much they make me laugh. I love you, guys.

Also, A*Rod. BIG SISTER!? We've also gotten so close, so fast, and I am so glad to have her in my life. She's amazing, just like the BLUE sky. Hahaha, only she would get that.

Other friends have faded away, and I am beginning to realize that it is not my fault. I miss them, but I don't think they miss me in the same ways. I have held on for so long, and now... I'm getting tired. I am not giving up, I'm just... well, I don't know, but I'm not giving up. Not just yet.

I can honestly say that a lot of the time nowadays... I think I'm, actually.. happy.

I think I'm happy. That is a miracle, and I have never been so thankful.
So, extremely thankful.

Love is patient.

Well, would you look at that?

I did it. I really, really did it. I texted him, and you know what? He started talking to me. I don't know where this is leading, but I hope it's leading somewhere. God, you are my light in this dark tunnel... I think it's getting a little dimmer. Show me the way.

This class has no point. Or, if it does, I am blind to it. All we do is learn how to use Microsoft Word, the new version. Considering I pretty much already know the ropes of it, this class is no use to me. Except for this whole blogging thing. My mom doesn't have internet at her house, and my laptop is being fixed. So, this is really the only time I get to blog. I guess I should thank the school for putting me in this class that I didn't ask for, then? Thanks!

I am so excited for next period. For some reason, third period is always my favorite class. It was last semester too. For a different reason, which we won't speak of. At least that reason is... uh, nice, still.

Anyways, Kimmie, Elise and I are going to show Quinton, Scott and Ryan our music video we made yesterday. The whole class will probably watch it, actually. Hahahahaha. Good times, good times.

I wish I had more to say so that I could go on for a little while longer, but I really can't think of anything. We still have about 45 minutes left of class...

What in the world am I going to do?

Oh well. Ciao.

Ramblings

Apparently, green has become my new favorite color.
But not literally.
Take the hint, kid.
Love is patient.
Very, very patient.
True love, that is.
How many of us really know what true love is?
God is true love, and God is patient.
God is asking me to be patient.
I'm trying.
The City/Secret Life= <3
It's a boy!
I want to eat my Reese's that I bought from Hannah in first period.
Delvin and The Goonies, back and better than ever...
Oh, wait, we never went anywhere...
#1 Hit Single: "Hot Like An Oven, Say I Ain't".
CHECK IT OUT.
Poor Allen.
Hope you feel better!
You better not have given it to me and Elise, silly goose.
I finally texted you.
I am so proud of myself.
I hope you weren't just making small talk to be nice.
It sounded as if you really were enjoying talking to me...
but, I could be wrong.
I am a lot of the time.
We still have a LONG time in here.
I have nothing to do.
"Oh look, there's your girlfriend!"
I believe boys still have cooties.
And they are way too contagious.
Stevie Wonder!
I had a nightmare last night.
I want to check my MySpace, dagnabbit!
Where's my rabbit?
I'm insane, seriously.
I bet no one even understands these.
I like them though, a lot.
I love you, Jesus. Thanks for being there for me. Promise to stay just a little bit longer?
Infinitive.
That's what you are, Jesus.
Please, keep helping me and showing me that you're there in your subtle ways that I so dearly love...

If you're always afraid of falling,
you may miss your chance to fly.

Thoughts

Love is patient.
These exercises we are doing are getting to be difficult.
I've seen you in the hall twice already.
I'm scared.
I've never felt this way before.
I don't know how to handle this situation.
I've never been so glad to have Jesus Christ in my life and in my heart.
I could do nothing without Him.
Something's changed about me.
I've grown closer to Him, and I can feel it.
I'm not done growing. I want to be even closer to Him.
Love is patient.
I'm hungry.
I bet Alora looks so cute today!
I've noticed how many of these sentences start with "I" or "I've" and that disgusts me.
Becoming selfless is important to me.
Give.
Integrity is hard to attain.
Love is patient.
Seperation is depressing.
HOT LIKE AN OVEN, SAY I AIN'T!
^I love Elise and Kimmie.
#1 is obviously never my spot.
Except to God...
which is something I am excited to be realizing.
I believe you have fallen too hard.
I'm not sure if you deserve this or not, but I am not the judge of that anyway, so I'll be there for you whenever you crash completely.
Even though I think you will, I hope you never actually do crash completely.
I'm becoming somewhat of a Grammar Natzi.
Spencer's who live in Huntington Beach, California somewhat annoy me.
I like the word somewhat.
Arizona Cardinals deserved to win.
Kurt Warner is an amazing person.
I go to my dad's today after school.
YAYZ.
I miss Arod!
Blue, green, blue, green. GREEN.
Arod and I have color... uh, issues.
Hehe.
I like my shoes.
They were $5.
I earned $55 last night babysitting.
That makes me smile.
Love is patient.
Love is patient.
LOVE IS PATIENT.
I should get that engraved on my hand or something. I would say forehead, but then I would never be able to see it. And, trust me, I need to be reminded of it.

15

minutes until class ends. I'm too bored to do anything else except for annoy you with my millions of posts per day. I like the way I did my "Thoughts" blog yesterday... so, I'm going to do another one of those thingymajiggers.

I drew this awesome Jesus fish in first period.
It's displaying on the front of my binder now.
Love is patient.
We had a fire drill in first period.
I slipped in the hallway. It was really embarassing.
I still don't know what that slimy goo is that I slipped on.
I'm starting to really like my middle name, for some reason.
I'm hungry.
Love is patient.
Yesterday, at about 3:08 P.M. (or so), my heart beat faster than I think it ever has.
^ That may or may not be true.
I wish your phone would work.
I like the word thingymajigger.
Love is patient.
I want another Yoohoo, like I had yesterday at lunch.
I'm not excited to see The Uninvited .
Teddy Geiger, will you marry me?
I know I asked Matt to marry me yesterday...
We can be a polygamic family.
Except this time there will be more than one husband.
I want to text you.
I'm more shy than I thought I was.
I think the term "shier" would be more correct to use in the sentence above.
We're learning grammar and conventions in Honors English II.
Hayley Williams is a beast.
You could say she's (one of) my role model(s).
Knots in hair are no fun.
Love is patient.
I want to go shopping.
I love Elise's gray jacket.
I'm glad Elise let's me borrow it permnanently.
Speeches on integrity, rough drafts, due Monday.
Integrity?
I wish my cellphone would vibrate more.
Love also does not envy.
I wish I had the guts to just talk to you already.
Love is patient.
It's 11:11! WISH!
Love is patient.
"'Cause repition's just so safe" (so says/sings my first husband, Matthew Thiessen.)
I'm still here waiting...
I'm trusting you, God/BFF.