The rain outside is breathtaking. I want to go run, jump, scream, dance, yell, play and sing in it. Maybe I will.

"There is nothing like a dream to create the future." -Victor Hugo

I have got to believe in myself, but everyday it feels more and more impossible. Confidence becomes farther and farther away from my grasp. I have to remember, as do we all, that "God's spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us," (Romans 8:26). That is the Word of God, and God is never wrong. Therefore, I should live as if He is always beside me, instead of behind me. If I do not trust in Him, my life will never be complete.

As a claim to my newfound trust in Jesus Christ, I am giving up meat and all drinks other than water and juice for lent. In the South, giving up sweet tea, will be a revolution. I might even be in the newspaper for that one. That was a joke, by the way... Anyways, I wanted to do something that would really be difficult, and I think this definitely will be. I'm going to dedicate myself to this, because the Lord gave his son for me. This is the least I can do, but I will do it wholeheartedly.

I am also trying to let go of any hateful or boorish comments towards another person, and become a beneficent citizen to this society. I know everyone has made fun of someone at least once in their life, but I no longer want to be a part of everyone. I understand the hurt that comes along with being made fun of, and the last thing I want to be is a hypocrite.

I miss you, but your attitude pushes me away. You tell me about all of your new best friends that you're getting extremely close to, and maybe I should be a good friend and be happy for you. I am, but I'm also a very jealous person. Envy is another emotion of mine that I really need to work on controlling. I'm not as strong as you think I am.

I feel like writing this blog is pointless, and that no one truly cares whether or not I update. Nevertheless, I still write in it everyday. I guess it soothes me.

It seems as if my heart melts when I'm around you, so that I can't feel a thing. I'm numb, but I can feel every emotion I've ever felt all at once. I forget who I am, who I want to be, who I was, and who I'm trying to be for that one moment, and my true self comes out. All because of you. You make everything seem so real, but yet you're a mystery. You never say a word, but your eyes are screaming things at me. I may be invisible to you, but invisibility is crystal clear. You can't see it, but you can feel it, all around you.

Citizenship

Our most recent writing assignment in Honors English II has this prompt: "Write a speech for your high school graduating class on the meaning of good citizenship."

Citizenship is defined as the status of being a citizen, that is, a person owing loyalty to and entitled to the protection of a particular state. Historic, honorable people such as Abraham Lincoln and JFK were huge citizenship-fans. Citizenship meant a lot to them, and showed a lot about one's character. In the Fourteenth Amendment of the United States Consitution it states, "All persons are born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside." We confront citizenship as a legal issue: whether or not you were born in the United States, and if you were not, if you took the test and became a legal citizen. But citizenship is about so much more than that. Take away the government, and you will still have citizenship. Because citizenship isn't just about respecting your government. In fact, have you ever reversed it? Maybe citizenship is about being loyal to what is true and just- not the government. People are afraid to say things like that. It depends on what you are being loyal to, but no matter what, citizenship is about morality. If your government is dwelling in idiocracy and hypocrisy, then I believe that it is your job as a good citizen to voice your opinion.

Dear Mr. Vernon,
We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...
and an athlete...
and a basket case...
a princess...
and a criminal...

Does that answer your question?
Sincerely Yours,
The Breakfast Club

Today I really don't feel like being in this class. I usually don't mind, and nothing particular happened that is making me agitated, but I just want to go to third period and get to lunch. I'm hungry, and I want to be able to discuss things with people- no one talks in here.

I'm tired because I stayed up too late. Shocker, huh? I tried to go to bed around midnight, which is bad, but not too awful bad, but then I stayed up and watched The Breakfast Club and then got back on the computer for a little bit because I couldn't fall asleep. I'm in love with that movie, especially since it's an '80's film. It's amazing. Molly Ringwald is one of my heroes. She plays as Amy's mother in The Secret Life of the American Teenager, and I'm in complete infatuation with that show.


So... I just sneezed and the entire class said "Bless you". It was kind of awkward. Just thought I'd share that with you; let you giggle a little bit.

It's only 10:30 and we don't get out of here until 11:15, AND we have Advisory today. I am not excited. I want to go to third period already! This class bores me, and I would give anything to be able to go to lunch right now. I think I'm going home with Elise today after school. We'll probably chill at Kimmie's. Oh, that reminds me, funny story. Elise and Kimmie are in chorus, right? Well, all the chorus groups were invited to go bowling Saturday night, and we went. I went with them, even though I'm not part of chorus. I love Mr. Ousley. But anyways, so we were leaving the bowling alley, and I left my purse! Thank God I had my phone, but everything else was in my purse. I called Madisen (Forehand) and asked her if she'd keep it for me until Monday, because she's in my third period. She agreed to do that and I was all relaxed and relieved.. until I realized that my diary was in there. If she read my journal, she will here all about a certain someone and my "obsession" for him... I pray she didn't read it, because if she did, she'd probably tell him. I don't think she did though because the pen was exactly the way I left it, and I also don't think she looked through my purse and/or realized that it was a diary. Let's hope not.

I put my truthbox back up on MySpace. That may seem random and unimportant, but it just makes me think about the meaning of "truth", and what truth does to people. We all seem to ask for the truth, but only want to hear it if it is boosting our confidence. I am the same way. I am not very skilled at handling the truth, unless it's something good about me- and that is a horrible trait in which I need to change. Change is another terrifying word to me. I am afraid of change, yet it always seems to be lurking around in my life.


"... and these children that you spit on as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're going through..."
-David Bowie, opening credits of The Breakfast Club

Goodnight

Just thought I'd get on here and let everyone know that I'm still alive. If you care, that is.

I need rest. I'm so sleepy.

little, little feet trample over my heart
big, big tracks are left, far apart
i try to search and see,
who has left them for me
but all i can see is
the dark, dark, dark

Mardi Gras!

This morning started bad, and I was a little weary that my day would keep heading in that same direction. It's been fine so far though, so let's hope that it just keeps climbing higher and getting better.

After school, the french and spanish club are merging to celebrate mardi gras. I'm going with Elise, and then going home with her afterwards. We're supposed to go prom dress shopping in Charlotte tonight, so I'm hoping that plan gets carried out.

I don't have much to say, but I wish I did. I keep retracing my thoughts to see if there is anything important to write about, almost begging myself to come up with something creative. We still have about 20 minutes or so in here, and I've already completed all the assignments.

There was a fight this morning at school, and it was pretty intense. I didn't see the two girls that were actually fighting, but I passed through the hallway that it happened in. EVERYONE was swarming around them... 75% of the school was in that hallway at the same time. It was so immature- everyone crowding around to see them punch each other and scream unintelligible words. Of course, I can't say that I was apathetic. I was actually very curious, as I always am, but I left the scene and went to class. I guess I am being a bit of a hypocrite, because if I would have been able to see it, I would've probably watched it as if it were my favorite tv show.

Lately, I've been trying to change my degrading attitude towards life. I think that winter leaving and spring approaching is helping. "Spring cleaning" my soul. Thinking about it being summer soon is definitely helping this new revolution of mine. Not that I don't love winter- don't get me wrong, I certainly do, but for once I feel that I'm actually in need of a change- and the cold weather is only making everything more dreary. I'm ready for some fun in the sun! (:

Hiding away, losing the days

Letting your feelings build up inside you is no different than lying about them blatantly. It's okay to be afraid. It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to be jealous. those are all human, natural, realistic feelings. Do not be ashamed of them, for they make you real. We seem to forget that there is someone who cares, and his name is Jesus Christ. But that's not all we forget- we forget that he really, truly understands. I thought about this this morning on my way to school, while I was listening to a song called "Hide" by Joy Williams. In the song, it says "and if you feel like no one understands, come to the one who has scars on his hands". It hit me that I don't think I've ever truly grasped this concept of love and understanding that Jesus portrays. Jesus Christ died on the cross for each and every one of us. He was persecuted and tormented. He's been afraid, and He's felt sad. When we say that Jesus understands, we don't listen to our own voice. He has scars on His holy hands, and we act like He could never understand what we're going through? He died for millions and billions and trillions of people everywhere, and we act like He doesn't understand? I will admit that I acted this way, but today, I understand. I understand that He understands, and He is with me.

I also realized that it is okay to be happy. That is also a human feeling. I think that I feel that if I allow myself to be happy.. then I will become just like everyone else. That may have been my problem, all this time. The truth is, we can all have happiness. It is not unattainable, but it can be stolen from you. Happiness is that feeling you get when someone compliments you, or when someone makes you laugh. But joy- joy is always within you, even in your darkest times. If you have joy, then you still have that happiness inside of you even though you're hurting, or even though you're struggling. The only person that can give you pure joy is Jesus Christ.

I obviously don't have the skills to be a preacher.. but those were just some things that I was thinking about.

survey

do you hate people who laugh too much?
i didn't know there was such a thing.

do you hate people who act stupid to annoy you?
i don't get annoyed easily.

do you hate it when people take your food?
what's up with you and hate?

do you hate it when somebody calls you and you can't get the phone, but then you call them back and they don't pick up?
okay, not gonna lie, that is pretty annoying.

have you ever:
cussed at church?
no.

yelled at your mom?
yeah.

bite your nails?
all the time.

forgot to brush your teeth?
let's be honest, everyone has at least once.

got a tattoo without your mom finding out?
no thanks.

got a piercing without your mom finding out?
no.

went out with someone your parents told you not to go out with?
no.

drank?
no.

smoked?
never.

wrote on your school desk?
pretty much every day.

yelled at the teacher?
no.

punched someone?
i've never punched anyone in the face, but on the arm, yeah.

gone to detention?
blame it on the tardies.

forgot your homework?
yes.

passed notes?
c'mon, elementary school? all the time!

egged someone's car?
no.

got into trouble with the police?
not so much.

stole something?
definitely not.

ate junk food when you were on a diet?
i've never truly been on a diet.

seen a movie your parents would never let you see?
i don't think they'd mind too much about certain movies, but i didn't ask them.

got in a fight with somebody else's parents?
no.

ditched class?
haha, yeah.

texted during class?
every day.

drew on your textbook?
woops.

ran away?
thought about it, but never actually done it.

would you kiss your ex again?
no.

why did you break up?
i didn't feel anything special.

did they break your heart?
no.

did you break their heart?
no.

would you kill them?
NO!

do you hate them?
definitely not.

are you single or taken?
Jesus has my heart.

if you are taken, do you love them?
i love Jesus with everything that i have in me.

do they love you?
well, he died on the cross for me.

have you kissed them yet?
not exactly our kind of relationship.

your favorites:
movie?
a walk to remember and the pursuit of happyness.

tv show?
secret life of the american teenager and the city.

song?
way too many, bud.

band?
relient k, the maine, switchfoot, paramore.

hang out?
wherever's chill.

color?
blue.

store?
target. i love urban outfitters and free people too, but i can't afford them.

fruit?
strawberry!

vegetable?
corn.

subject in school?
history, english, french.

sick and tired of being sick and tired

you should check out the white tie affair. they're an amazing band. also, the cab. i love them dearly.

i have so many feelings at once, it would be much too difficult to try and explain them all. i'm not sure if i'm asking too much of God, or if i'm not asking enough? what i mean by that is this: when i pray, i'm usually asking for something. i should be asking God for things, but that should not be the epicenter of my prayers. i need to focus on giving thanks for what i have, whether i feel that is a lot or not.

it's not thanksgiving, but it's time to give thanks.

i got about 30 minutes to an hour of sleeptime last night, no joke. it's awful. i need to quit this horrible, insomniatic habit of mine. it's not healthy. speaking of healthy, is anyone as obsessed with apples and caramel as i am? that has got to be the best snack in the entire universe. okay, okay, i might not go that far... but it's really good!

i wanted to apply for starbucks, but you have to be 16. someone lied to me and told me that you could be 15 1/2 to work there. liar, liar, pants on fire. that disappoints me. i need a job badly, at this point. chickfila really does hire at 15 1/2... so i think i'm going to go apply there. even though i'll be sixteen in a couple of months anyways, i'd rather just go ahead and get a job somewhere now.

i'm so hungry, i could eat a... very large animal. i don't want to say horse, because they're way too pretty and i've always wanted a horse- so if i got a horse, why would i eat it? we'll say an elephant. yeah, that's it: i'm so hungry i could eat an elephant. although, i doubt elephant tastes very good.. whatever. you get the point. i'm really hungry.

"i'd be lying if i told you, losing you is something i could handle."

Lots and Lots of Nothing

I guess we'll go over my weekend, although I'm sure you are very apathetic towards how I spend my free time.

Friday, my dad took me and my friend Elise out to dinner at Olive Garden. I'd been craving it badly; it's my favorite restaurant ever. It was delicious as always, and we really enjoyed ourselves. After that, I went back to Elise's house with her, and we just got on the computer and stuff and waited for Kimmie to get off of work at 10. Then, we went and spent the night at Kimmie's.
Saturday, being Valentine's Day, I went home from Kimmie's around 11. Later that night, I came back. I can never stay away, huh? Anyways, we just chilled. Her friend Stacy came over for a little bit.
Sunday, I slept in and then went to Starbucks with Kimmie and her sister Leslie, and their friends Nick and Zach. Then we went home, went to church, went to Panda Express and came home.
Arod picked me up from Kimmie's Saturday night around 10:30, and we went back to her mom's house and just talked. I'd missed her! We woke up yesterday morning and got ready, went to Target, went to the mall, and then went to see He's Just Not That Into You with her little sister Kelsey and her mom. That movie was so adorable, I loved it. After the movie, she took me home. I watched the new episodes of Secret Life and The City, and then reruns of other stuff, and finally fell asleep.

And now I'm here, in this bland classroom, with this lovely computer.

The heart situation is still in progress. I don't want to base this off of feelings, I want to really be searching for something real.

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you are.

Butterflies

I saw you in the hall, and did I see a smile on your face? When you looked at me? A grin? A smirk? A half-smile? Anything?

I know I didn't imagine it. It was there. I know it.

That little, half-smile/grin/smirk/thing that you gave me when you saw me, made my entire day.

You give me butterflies.

It's 11:11 at this very second,

and I just wished for you.

Emotions

The only person who knows who I am, who I'm not, and who I want to be is God. And I am doing everything that I can to put my trust in Him; to trust Him with what He is doing with me and my life.

I feel happy, I feel sad
I feel good, I feel bad
I feel disappointed
I feel confused
I could win, or I could lose
I am weak, and I am strong
The battle's short, the fight is long
I don't want to speak, but I need to yell
Somewhere inside me, I have a story to tell..

but, I don't know what my story is, just yet. I'm still finding myself and creating my very own story. When you take all those emotions and put them into one, you just get a big, fat emotion called emotional.

Thoughts

Love is patient.
You and your brother are so completely opposite, that it's hard to picture the two of you as brothers.
I want you.
I don't like the way you let him run all over your life, as well as mine.
If I'm your best friend, or even just your friend, you should stick up for me.
Your Girlfriends > Your Boyfriend
As I type this, every time my fingers hit the keys, it stings a little. That's what you get for playing the guitar for so long.
I'm proud of myself, for teaching myself "Tim McGraw" by Taylor Swift on the guitar.
Marlee taught me Am.
I'm excited for Homework Hangout on Thursday. Hahaha.
Kimmie just told me that her Physical Science class is so boring.
I'm sorry, Kimmie! You'll see me next period though.
LUNCH NEEDS TO HURRY.
I look like crap today.
I'm going to try and not worry about it.
You're so amazing, even your lack of words amaze me.
Yesterday you wore my favorite color.
Why can't you leave me alone?
For some reason, I don't want you to leave me alone.
But, I would never admit that to anyone but myself.
Why does Matt Thiessen have to be 28!?
Haha/sentence/Lol texts= (:
Those sorts of texts give me butterflies.
Valentine's Day in 4 days.
Green is most definitely growing on me,
even more than I already liked it.
You're everywhere to me.
My cellphone makes me mad.
I'M SO EXCITED FOR SUMMER.
That line in my blog was not about you, and it hurts to think that you assume I would say something cruel like that to you.
I wouldn't. You mean a lot to me.
Give a valentine to the Lord: your heart.

Revenge

In Honors English II, we're reading The Count of Monte Cristo . It brings up an interesting subject: revenge. Have you ever really wanted to get revenge on someone else? I asked myself that question, and tried to place myself in Edmond Dantes shoes. This man was put in jail for respecting his captain's order, and because he was put in jail as an innocent, he would never be able to marry his fiancee, Mercedes, or become the captain of the ship, Pharaon, like he was originally supposed to. All because of Napoleon and his exile in France in the 19th century. I was trying to imagine the thoughts that would be running through my head as I sat in that jail cell, day after day, year after year. Would I be bitter at the world? Yes. Would I be bitter at the cruel people who set me up for this crime? Absolutely. Would I be bitter at God for letting something of that horrible nature happen to me? There's the question that hits me right in the face.

If I am going to truly call myself a follower of Jesus Christ, I need to be praising Him at all times and under all circumstances. Whether I am happy, or whether I am sad, I should praise Him. If I'm angry, let me praise Him. If I'm excited, let me praise Him. If I'm jealous, let me praise Him. Whatever emotion my hormonal self is feeling, I want to praise Him with everything that I have in me.

That is my prayer to you, Lord, that you shall give me the strength to worship you through anything and everything.

A Tale of Tales

Now that I've calmed down (NOT REALLY, BUT I'LL PRETEND) from the wonderful surprise of locating a blog written by the name of THE AMAZING, Matthew Thiessen (of Relient K), I'll try and write about my weekend as if someone really cares.

Friday I rode home with Arod, and after we took her sister and her sister's friend to her sister's friends house (tongue twister!), we picked up Chelsey and Nikki at Chelsey's house. Then, we went to Mega Tan. I sat in the front room on a bench, while they all tanned. I'd rather tan naturally, but I had no problem waiting for them. After everyone was baked and well-done, we went to the mall and caught a bite to eat. After taking Chelsey to her boyfriend's house, we then went back to Chelsey's (even though Chelsey wasn't with us) to hang out with Chad, because Chad wanted to see Arod. Confusion, confusion. Target was our next stop, and we just looked around and ordered a very small slushie that we all shared and a very small bag of popcorn. We went back to Chad/Chelsey's and then left, took Nikki home, and me and Arod went back to her peaceful home. Around Hickory in 3-4 Hours, I guess you could call this little adventure of ours.

On the way to my house the next morning, Arod and I stopped at McDonald's. I found quite a surprise there....
and, only certain people who read this will know what I'm talking about, if those certain people even read my blog. It was comical, but it was also a very subtle, yet huge, reminder that this time, it's different. Okay, I get it, now I'm speaking gibberish. I'll move on.

So, Saturday was somewhat of an eventful day. I guess it would be better to say it was an eventful night. Up until 6 o'clock all I did was clean and lounge around the computer. What a surprise, I know. Then Kimmie and her dad picked me up, we went back to Kimmie's, where we met Elise, got ready, and then Elise drove us all to Allen's Sweet Sixteen. A good amount of people were there. We had to leave early though, because Elise doesn't have her after-nine's. But we snatched some cake to take along with us. (:

Kimmie and Elise came back to my house to have a sleepover. We were on the phone with guys all night... LAME. It wasn't by choice, though. Well, certainly not my choice. Elise has a boyfriend and Kimmie has a "possible boyfriend". Kimmie was talking to her "possible boyfriend" and me and Elise were on the phone with Joseph, who is this freshman that I guess likes us all? Ha, wow, the world of high school... it's really all so dumb, if you ask me. I try my very hardest not to get caught up in it all.

Anyways, Kimmie and Elise left early Sunday morning to go to their own churches, and I awoke a little too early for my liking to go to mine. I haven't been in over a month, and it felt refreshing to be reunited. Although, it's ironic that I feel like my relationship with Jesus Christ has only grown much, much stronger while I've not been attending church. Hm, that brings up a sensitive subject for some, now doesn't it?

I'm glad I went back to church, though. Not only because it does help me better my worship surroundings, but also because I found out that they were starting a Guitar Basics life group at 5. So, I went to that, and I learned some stuff I already knew, and some more that I didn't quite know. I'm excited for next week's class. After guitar, I walked down to the main church building and we had Fusion. It deserves a whole new paragraph, let me tell you.

We had a guest speaker, Rusty (I forgot his last name). He is the founder of a youth convention named Shabbach. Shabbach is filled with contemporary "Christian" music and other events, and it really does change your life. I've been once, and I want to go again this year. But.. I think I'll have to give that up for Cornerstone...

Anyways, he spoke. He is EXTREMELY straight-forward, and you cannot help but let him get to you. It was amazing. He called up all the hurt teens, the fatherless teens, the teens that didn't have parents encouraging them to come last night. We all got up there, and then something amazing just overflowed. Everyone was in tears, and I, for one, was completely bawling. I could feel the presence of God in the room, and I felt him around my shoulders and tenderly holding my heart. It felt great to let everything out.

An awesome thing about God is, when you're praying, you may not even know what you're praying about. Or you may know, but you have no idea where to start or how to even begin to explain it. But when you cry out to Him, and you let everything else go, it feels as if he takes those words from you, without you ever having to say anything. He lifts the pressure of your shoulders. He always understands, even when you can't understand what you are trying to say.

I'm falling in love with Him more and more everyday. And while my wounds are still not healed, I feel that now I have a Band-Aid. Maybe the wounds will always be there... but my Band-Aid will never fall off.

Guess what I stumbled upon?

MATTHEW THIESSEN'S BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES, THE MATTHEW THIESSEN!

AM I EXCITED?!


YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES!

Schedule for the weekend.

Friday (Tomorrow): Riding home with A*Rod, picking up Chelsey, and going somewhere. We're not sure yet, though. Somewhere fun! Then dropping Chelsey off, and me and A*Rod will go back to her house and have a sleepover. Girl's night.
Saturday: Allen's Sweet Sixteen! OH SNAP! ALLEN'S 16!?!? (Well, not yet.) Going to his party, then back to Kimmie's house with Elise and Kimmie to have a Goonie-filled Sleepover.
Sunday: I want to go to church, I haven't been in awhile. And after that, I'm not sure, and you know what? I'm completely okay with that.

Moderate

I believe that I am too moderate. I am not extremely anything. I am not extremely pretty, extremely cute, extremely smart, extremely funny, extremely rich, extremely poor, extremely well-dressed, extremely shy, extremely outgoing, extremely patient, extremely stubborn. I do not have an extremely good body, or extremely good grades. I am not extremely talented at anything.

Everything about me is moderate, there's nothing special. I am moderately smart, I can be funny, sometimes I'm patient, other times I have trouble dealing with patience. I wrestle with self-confidence and self-pity everyday. Depending on the situation, I can be stubborn, but it's not my obvious trait. I can sing, and it isn't pitiful. Not that I'm aware of. But, I am no Mariah Carey, like I want to be.

It bothers me that the first thing on my list was "I am not extremely pretty". Maybe that's the one thing that I am extremely: vain. A different kind of vain than you would normally picture when you imagine a vain person. I am pathetically aware of my imperfections and am ashamed of them more often that not, but I still look in the mirror nonchalantly, all the time. As if to think that one day a different, beautiful, magical face will just appear, reflecting back at the person that I would so surprisingly find to be me.

I need to be who I am , and not what I look like. I try and live my life as if we are all Barbies, and I am the last one on the shelf. I live my life telling myself that I am unwanted. That is depressing, pathetic, and annoying for other people around me, I'm sure.

I want to be comfortable with my moderate self. I want to make myself believe that I am not moderate; that I am special. God believes that I am, why can't I see it too?

Speaking of God, have I ever mentioned how absolutely wonderful He is? This past week has flown by, but I feel so much closer to Him and His presence. I've stumbled along, day after day, in awe of the little things (and big things) in this life that God has so miraculously created. For example, the sunset. It's nothing short of perfection. If I could be a bird... oh, the adventures I would have. Little things such as the way the dew looks so pretty on the morning lawn, or how biscuits smell when you wake up from an amazing dream. Little things such as two people both having the same habit. Out of all the people in the world, it was us. For once, I have faith, that that might actually mean something.

I want to be able to take things I don't enjoy, and be thankful for them. Because, after all, God created them. And God amazes me in every single, little/big way possible.

I am trying to give Him my trust and my hand; to allow him to take me step by step through this process that I am so unfamiliar with. I am not afraid to admit I am afraid, but I am afraid of being afraid.

Anyways, life is going...smoothly...right now, for me. I still have my moments, my hours, my nights, my days, my weeks. And sometimes, I even have my months. But right now, I have amazing friends, that I love so dearly. There are new, old friends. And there are just plain new friends. But they are absolutely amazing, and I am so happy being with them and enjoying myself.

I am so, so, so glad for Kimmie and Elise. We just... bond. Click. Connect. Kimmie and I stayed on the phone for the longest time last night/early this morning, talking about how close we all have gotten so quickly and how much we love each other. How adorable, our little trio. I cannot express how happy I am to have them, and how much they make me laugh. I love you, guys.

Also, A*Rod. BIG SISTER!? We've also gotten so close, so fast, and I am so glad to have her in my life. She's amazing, just like the BLUE sky. Hahaha, only she would get that.

Other friends have faded away, and I am beginning to realize that it is not my fault. I miss them, but I don't think they miss me in the same ways. I have held on for so long, and now... I'm getting tired. I am not giving up, I'm just... well, I don't know, but I'm not giving up. Not just yet.

I can honestly say that a lot of the time nowadays... I think I'm, actually.. happy.

I think I'm happy. That is a miracle, and I have never been so thankful.
So, extremely thankful.

Love is patient.

Well, would you look at that?

I did it. I really, really did it. I texted him, and you know what? He started talking to me. I don't know where this is leading, but I hope it's leading somewhere. God, you are my light in this dark tunnel... I think it's getting a little dimmer. Show me the way.

This class has no point. Or, if it does, I am blind to it. All we do is learn how to use Microsoft Word, the new version. Considering I pretty much already know the ropes of it, this class is no use to me. Except for this whole blogging thing. My mom doesn't have internet at her house, and my laptop is being fixed. So, this is really the only time I get to blog. I guess I should thank the school for putting me in this class that I didn't ask for, then? Thanks!

I am so excited for next period. For some reason, third period is always my favorite class. It was last semester too. For a different reason, which we won't speak of. At least that reason is... uh, nice, still.

Anyways, Kimmie, Elise and I are going to show Quinton, Scott and Ryan our music video we made yesterday. The whole class will probably watch it, actually. Hahahahaha. Good times, good times.

I wish I had more to say so that I could go on for a little while longer, but I really can't think of anything. We still have about 45 minutes left of class...

What in the world am I going to do?

Oh well. Ciao.

Ramblings

Apparently, green has become my new favorite color.
But not literally.
Take the hint, kid.
Love is patient.
Very, very patient.
True love, that is.
How many of us really know what true love is?
God is true love, and God is patient.
God is asking me to be patient.
I'm trying.
The City/Secret Life= <3
It's a boy!
I want to eat my Reese's that I bought from Hannah in first period.
Delvin and The Goonies, back and better than ever...
Oh, wait, we never went anywhere...
#1 Hit Single: "Hot Like An Oven, Say I Ain't".
CHECK IT OUT.
Poor Allen.
Hope you feel better!
You better not have given it to me and Elise, silly goose.
I finally texted you.
I am so proud of myself.
I hope you weren't just making small talk to be nice.
It sounded as if you really were enjoying talking to me...
but, I could be wrong.
I am a lot of the time.
We still have a LONG time in here.
I have nothing to do.
"Oh look, there's your girlfriend!"
I believe boys still have cooties.
And they are way too contagious.
Stevie Wonder!
I had a nightmare last night.
I want to check my MySpace, dagnabbit!
Where's my rabbit?
I'm insane, seriously.
I bet no one even understands these.
I like them though, a lot.
I love you, Jesus. Thanks for being there for me. Promise to stay just a little bit longer?
Infinitive.
That's what you are, Jesus.
Please, keep helping me and showing me that you're there in your subtle ways that I so dearly love...

If you're always afraid of falling,
you may miss your chance to fly.

Thoughts

Love is patient.
These exercises we are doing are getting to be difficult.
I've seen you in the hall twice already.
I'm scared.
I've never felt this way before.
I don't know how to handle this situation.
I've never been so glad to have Jesus Christ in my life and in my heart.
I could do nothing without Him.
Something's changed about me.
I've grown closer to Him, and I can feel it.
I'm not done growing. I want to be even closer to Him.
Love is patient.
I'm hungry.
I bet Alora looks so cute today!
I've noticed how many of these sentences start with "I" or "I've" and that disgusts me.
Becoming selfless is important to me.
Give.
Integrity is hard to attain.
Love is patient.
Seperation is depressing.
HOT LIKE AN OVEN, SAY I AIN'T!
^I love Elise and Kimmie.
#1 is obviously never my spot.
Except to God...
which is something I am excited to be realizing.
I believe you have fallen too hard.
I'm not sure if you deserve this or not, but I am not the judge of that anyway, so I'll be there for you whenever you crash completely.
Even though I think you will, I hope you never actually do crash completely.
I'm becoming somewhat of a Grammar Natzi.
Spencer's who live in Huntington Beach, California somewhat annoy me.
I like the word somewhat.
Arizona Cardinals deserved to win.
Kurt Warner is an amazing person.
I go to my dad's today after school.
YAYZ.
I miss Arod!
Blue, green, blue, green. GREEN.
Arod and I have color... uh, issues.
Hehe.
I like my shoes.
They were $5.
I earned $55 last night babysitting.
That makes me smile.
Love is patient.
Love is patient.
LOVE IS PATIENT.
I should get that engraved on my hand or something. I would say forehead, but then I would never be able to see it. And, trust me, I need to be reminded of it.