Today is a lovely day, and I feel good. I can honestly say that, and it feels even greater than you can fathom to be able to say that. I feel good. Such short, concise words, but yet they mean so much to me.

Although it may seem as if, I can promise you that I am not bipolar. Since the last time I wrote (which hasn't been too long ago), I've decided to try and gain a different perspective on things. And it's working. Yesterday, I cleaned my room completely. I'm talking about vacuumed and everything. It's spotless and it's such a refreshment. It helps with the whole, I'm-going-to-have-a-new-attitude thing.

I still have troubles and my well of tears is far from dry, but I'm taking life as it is, day by day. The simplicity and beautfy of life around me I'll miss if I don't start taking the time to notice. I'm Emily Dawn Underwood, and I am who I am, and I'm going to like it. I may not know every little piece of me- but that's part of the process, the journey, that I (and everyone else) is taking.

My papa arrived last night at about eleven o'clock. I knew he was coming down for spring break, but I didn't know he would be here so soon, considering our spring break doesn't start until April 10th. It was a pleasant surprise, and I'm happy to see him. He even brought a camper with him, so that must mean he's staying a little longer than usual. [:

Everyone and everything is bringing me down. Dragging me farther into self-consciousness. And there's one more reason I hate myself: for letting it all get to me.

Sooner or later, I won't be able to take this.

This life is about more than we could ever imagine. It's not only about where we've been, where we are, and where we're going, but it's also about the people we meet along the way. The experiences we dive into. The knowledge we attain. Even the heartbreak that we feel. It's all so surreal, catching your breath is sometimes quite impossible. Soak in everything that you can, feel the beauty that's within. Remind yourself that you are beautiful, because you are God's creation. I stand, stupefied, in awe of what He has made. Don't be afraid to be afraid. Reach out, and touch someone. Be whimsical and carefree. Every moment is a moment full of possibilities. Take chances, and let nothing pass you by. Let no moment go wasted.

There's so much to say, it's almost sickening. To think that I could write endless paragraphs, but never fully be able to get out everything that I need to drown out the voice inside my head. It tells me to keep writing, yet my fingers pause, afraid and confused. Stuck at a loss with no words, but a million thoughts. They're screaming at me from all directions, but I can't seem to find the key to unlock the door inside of me. I am always changing, yet change is the fear that I fear the most. Change overwhelms me; fills me with doubt and angst. It buckles my knees, and makes me cry. It whispers in my ear, vivacious and loud. Change is what it is, always changing. It's a part of everyone and everything. I can't escape it. I'm trying to let go, but it's fingers are wrapped around my wrist, and there is nowhere to turn. I must learn to live with it. Maybe that is the key; the key I've been longing for so long to find. The key to me.

We are all changing, evolving, and growing. It's the circle of life; the human cycle. No one seems to understand that completely, and if they do, they ignore it and blame each other anyways. Plenty of people have sworn to me that they would be there for me through whatever, but they are not sticking to their promises. When times get tough and I'm going through a rough spot in my life, however long that rough spot may be, they give up on me. It happens every time.

I'm sorry that I wasn't all you made me out to be. I'm sorry that I didn't live up to your expectations. I told you that I wouldn't. I'm sorry that I couldn't be all you wanted me to be. But I'm tired. I'm so tired of trying to be what everyone wants me to be, instead of just being me. Because the truth is, everyone is going to want me to be something different. Everyone has different needs and wants. I can't be everything, all at once. I can't be different things for different people. I just need to be me. I'm worn out, from trying to be "me". Obviously, I'm not being me. I'm being everything but me. If I'm not good enough, just leave me, like everyone else does, before it gets too late.

Even if you don't turn back, I will always be here, just in case.

Past, Present, Future

Sometimes, I wish I was still little again and was released from all burdens. I wish I could still be carefree and not care about boys, or what I looked like. I wish I could still have my daddy carry me in from a long car ride, after I'd fallen asleep. I wish we were still best friends. I wish you still beat me at chicken on the monkey bars, even if it did hurt. I wish we still woke up every Saturday morning and immediately went down to my trampoline and the attic in my barn outside. Our "playhouse". I miss you, and I wish things were the same.

But they're not, and they may never be. It pains me to say that, but somebody has to. We've grown up. We're in high school. Now the only games we play are with each other's minds, and we walk around every second worrying about what we look like, what the person we are passing in the hall is thinking, and other superficial things. It's so sad that we can pass each other in the hall and smile at each other like we were never friends. But that's not the truth. In high school, people you know become people you knew. Everything changes, whether you like it or not.

The present, at this time in my life, is a whirlwind of emotions. Some days I couldn't be happier, and other days, I don't think I could be more deep in depression. More and more each day, though, my friends are making me happy and helping me discover that there is more to life than tears and fears.

The future is not invisible, but it is not clear. I'm finally okay with that. I'm excited to be on my own, figure out where I'm going in life. I'm excited to make mistakes and call my dad to tell him about my horrible day at work. I'm excited to have a family with someone that I love. I'm excited for a lot of things, but I'm also very scared.

For once in my life I can honestly say that being scared isn't such a bad thing. Not in this case.

"I'm Not Over" by Carolina Liar = story of my life, just saying.

A lady from The Art Institutes just came and spoke to our class about the school, scholarships, majors, summer programs, etc. I was very intrigued, and am considering attending a program and researching their location in either Raleigh-Durham, New York City, or Nashville. I've always wanted to live in New York City. Some of the majors were culinary arts, web design, fashion design, interior design, broadcasting, photography, animation, and a bunch of others. It looks like an amazing school, and it would probably be a smart route to take when the time comes.

Let's hear it for America's Suitehearts

Maybe I was nothing to you, but you were everything to me. Maybe that's just the way it always goes. Maybe you'll always have feelings for me, and always keep that a secret. Or maybe you never had feelings for me at all. Maybe I'm not ready to fall, yet again. Maybe I need you, or maybe I don't. Maybe I'm tired of playing games. Maybe I'm not really sure of anything. Maybe you should swallow the words you were meant to say, or maybe you should just hurry up and let them out before they dissinegrate inside of you. Maybe I'll forgive you for breaking my heart this way. Maybe it's your fault. Or maybe it's not. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I should have watched myself. Maybe next time I will. Or, maybe, I won't. You're a contagious mystery, and I have yet to figure you out. Maybe I never will.

Today both Elise and Kimmie are gone from school all day long for some chorus festival. I have no clue who I'm going to sit with at lunch. Third period will definitely not be the same without them. First period was already weird without Elise and Caitlin in there, but at least I had Allen and Alicia. Emery, Makenzie, Emily and I also talked a lot more than usual. I'm in second right now, and it feels normal, because no one's missing. Third period, like I said, is probably going to suck. Fourth period will feel the same because everyone will be in there, I think. But I really miss Kimmie and Elise. I'll see Elise later because we're going to hang out, but I won't see Kimmie at all today. That's so weird to say. Anyways, pray for them to do good at their festival!

Tonight I'm going to the baseball game. I hope I don't regret it.

I'm also hanging out with Arod tonight. I miss her, even though it hasn't been that long since we've hung out. It's been a few days, maybe even a week.

I love my friends, so much.

And Alora, I'm very proud of you. It took a lot of guts, and I admire you for what you did. I love you with all of my heart.

Pilates/Yoga

Elise and I attended a Pilates class last night at the Hickory YMCA. It was really stress-relieving, I loved it. Elise's mom told us that they have yoga classes at 6:00 in the morning on Mondays and Fridays, so starting this Friday, Elise and I are going to go. We're excited, because it should be an extremely good way to start off the day. And it will help me feel better about my body, I think. I hope.

I don't know what else to write about. It's bugging me that for the last month or two, I haven't written anything that is really that touching. Not that I ever have... but lately, I just feel, I don't know. I still sort of feel like no one cares about anything I write. I would understand why they wouldn't, so I guess I shouldn't be complaining. I just wish I had something important to say.

I wish I knew how to word what I feel like I need to be letting out. It's all in my head, but nothing ever comes out right. People say they're there for me and that I can talk to them, but I just don't know what to say. It doesn't even make sense to me.

Last night I went to mass with Kimmie and then Life Teen with Kelly, which is the youth group at their church. I really, really enjoyed it. We all discussed the way we should present ourself. Our image. We also talked about how different areas and things in our life stress us out. We had an open, large group discussion. But because at first I can be somewhat shy, I didn't contribute to the conversation. I wish I would have. I tried, but every time I got up the nerve someone else started talking and I didn't want to interrupt.

What I was going to say was that I feel that pop culture and the media is constantly telling us to compare ourselves. I know that I personally compare myself to other people every day. I get insecure every day. I feel judged every day. It's a huge and depressing part of my life. But having alone-time with Jesus is the only place that I don't feel judged. I don't feel insecure. I don't feel the need to compare myself. I may feel all of those things, but I come to Him because I know that He is the only one that is capable of taking all that hurt away. That's why it is so very important to spend quality time with God, in silence. Don't be afraid of silence, because silence is good for you. I'm slowly starting to learn and realize that.

One of the youth leaders gave us all two stickers, and there were four posters up: pop culture, family and friends, fear of change, and classwork. We had to put our two stickers on the poster of things that stress us out the most. Reality hit me straight in the face when I realized that all of them were stressing me out completely. I was amazed that some kids didn't feel like they needed to put a sticker on anything, when I felt like I needed more stickers.


Summer's coming! Today is so pretty. Yesterday was so pretty. I'm enjoying all these beautiful days. I wish they'd never go away.

I want you to want me the way I want you. I wish I could make these feelings for you go away, but it's not that easy. I thought they were completely gone, but they obviously have reappeared. I should've never went. Then, I would've never seen you, you would've never hugged me, and I would still be fine. Then, I wouldn't feel so pathetic and alone. I wish you could just see things through my eyes, maybe then you'd understand. I really just want to go to sleep, wake up, and be over you. Too bad it doesn't work that way.

Everyone is busy this weekend, and it sucks. Everyone has to work, or babysit, or be with their boyfriend, or whoever. And that leaves me all alone. I hate being alone.

I'm at school right now, and it's a Saturday morning. It feels really weird. We only have a half a day today, but everyone has to work after school so it's not going to be exciting for me. I'll probably just go home and watch tv. Woo.

Right when I thought that I was completely over you...

I don't want to get hurt all over again. So, this time, I should just stop right where I am. I shouldn't even try. It's no use. I'm tired of being the pathetic one. I'm tired of being the unwanted one.

The Redemptive Power of Love

How far will one go to save the one they love? How far will one go to attain love? How far does love go?

Questions like these have a myriad of answers. Love is everything, all at once. Love is the most powerful thing in the world. And true love, is knocking at your door, my dears. Let Him in.

I feel weightless, numb, and sore. No, not in a physical sense. Nevertheless, just as hard to endure. As my fingers tremble with frustration, and my heart breaks from utter disaster yet again, I call on Your name. I just need to feel You, all around me, and know that I am not alone. I've been walking down this road for so long, yet I still have no clue where I am going.

It's been snowing for the past two days. It is now Wednesday, and I am finally back at school. While the snow is absolutely breathtaking, it came a little too late for my liking. I would've been ecstatic if it would have so elegantly fell on our pastures and fields about a month or two ago. But no, it falls now, so lovely, yet so inconvenient. I'm entirely ready for summer, and heat. The ocean and barefeet and grass. Flip-flop tans and pools. Air conditioning and popsicles.

I miss my laptop, so very, very dearly. I need a job, and I need to go get the Geek Squad to fix my dear friend. I think I shall apply at the Carolina Theater, because Lindsay (Kimmie's older sister) is going to put in a good word for me- and the boss loves her. Who knows, but I will be turning sixteen soon, so I'll be able to apply anywhere, practically.

I need to clean my room when I get home. I want to go to the ITS Theater Arts meeting after school, but I'm just so tired. I also have to finish The Count of Monte Cristo for class by Friday, and today is evidently Wednesday. So, I should get on that I suppose.

It's snowing outside. Doesn't seem to make things any better, no matter how beautiful it is.

I wish I didn't feel this way, but I wish for a lot of things. Looks like I've been wasting my time for quite a while now.