Moderate

I believe that I am too moderate. I am not extremely anything. I am not extremely pretty, extremely cute, extremely smart, extremely funny, extremely rich, extremely poor, extremely well-dressed, extremely shy, extremely outgoing, extremely patient, extremely stubborn. I do not have an extremely good body, or extremely good grades. I am not extremely talented at anything.

Everything about me is moderate, there's nothing special. I am moderately smart, I can be funny, sometimes I'm patient, other times I have trouble dealing with patience. I wrestle with self-confidence and self-pity everyday. Depending on the situation, I can be stubborn, but it's not my obvious trait. I can sing, and it isn't pitiful. Not that I'm aware of. But, I am no Mariah Carey, like I want to be.

It bothers me that the first thing on my list was "I am not extremely pretty". Maybe that's the one thing that I am extremely: vain. A different kind of vain than you would normally picture when you imagine a vain person. I am pathetically aware of my imperfections and am ashamed of them more often that not, but I still look in the mirror nonchalantly, all the time. As if to think that one day a different, beautiful, magical face will just appear, reflecting back at the person that I would so surprisingly find to be me.

I need to be who I am , and not what I look like. I try and live my life as if we are all Barbies, and I am the last one on the shelf. I live my life telling myself that I am unwanted. That is depressing, pathetic, and annoying for other people around me, I'm sure.

I want to be comfortable with my moderate self. I want to make myself believe that I am not moderate; that I am special. God believes that I am, why can't I see it too?

Speaking of God, have I ever mentioned how absolutely wonderful He is? This past week has flown by, but I feel so much closer to Him and His presence. I've stumbled along, day after day, in awe of the little things (and big things) in this life that God has so miraculously created. For example, the sunset. It's nothing short of perfection. If I could be a bird... oh, the adventures I would have. Little things such as the way the dew looks so pretty on the morning lawn, or how biscuits smell when you wake up from an amazing dream. Little things such as two people both having the same habit. Out of all the people in the world, it was us. For once, I have faith, that that might actually mean something.

I want to be able to take things I don't enjoy, and be thankful for them. Because, after all, God created them. And God amazes me in every single, little/big way possible.

I am trying to give Him my trust and my hand; to allow him to take me step by step through this process that I am so unfamiliar with. I am not afraid to admit I am afraid, but I am afraid of being afraid.

Anyways, life is going...smoothly...right now, for me. I still have my moments, my hours, my nights, my days, my weeks. And sometimes, I even have my months. But right now, I have amazing friends, that I love so dearly. There are new, old friends. And there are just plain new friends. But they are absolutely amazing, and I am so happy being with them and enjoying myself.

I am so, so, so glad for Kimmie and Elise. We just... bond. Click. Connect. Kimmie and I stayed on the phone for the longest time last night/early this morning, talking about how close we all have gotten so quickly and how much we love each other. How adorable, our little trio. I cannot express how happy I am to have them, and how much they make me laugh. I love you, guys.

Also, A*Rod. BIG SISTER!? We've also gotten so close, so fast, and I am so glad to have her in my life. She's amazing, just like the BLUE sky. Hahaha, only she would get that.

Other friends have faded away, and I am beginning to realize that it is not my fault. I miss them, but I don't think they miss me in the same ways. I have held on for so long, and now... I'm getting tired. I am not giving up, I'm just... well, I don't know, but I'm not giving up. Not just yet.

I can honestly say that a lot of the time nowadays... I think I'm, actually.. happy.

I think I'm happy. That is a miracle, and I have never been so thankful.
So, extremely thankful.