No one go back and make a brand new start, my friend, but anyone can start from here and make a brand new end.
(Dan Zandra)

I can no longer allow my past or present to control my future. "Release your inhibitions" is right. I don't want to allow small things to get to me anymore. I shall no longer cry over little, petty things. I am young, but I am strong. Correction: I will become strong. I'm on my way.

P.S.- Wish me luck at the auditions for the school musical today!

Nothing is so strong as gentleness, nothing so gentle as real strength.

Last night I went to Kimmie and Elise's chorus concert, and they sounded so beautiful. They did a medley from RENT and I almost cried. I was so proud of them, I felt like a mother! I couldn't stop smiling.
Today yearbooks were passed out. I was on the yearbook staff, and I didn't even get a yearbook! Maybe I'm just whiney, but that seems pretty messed up to me. Do you agree that that is crazy? Anyways, I have a lot going on in the next couple of weeks/months. This afternoon I have an eye appointment and tomorrow after school I have musical auditions. All of next week I'll be cramming for my Algebra 2 EOC, and then I'll take (and-cross your fingers- pass!) it on Monday. I won't have to come to school Thursday or Friday of next week, because I have no exams those days. Monday will be my last day, unless I come back Wednesday just to say goodbye to a few lovelies. June is filled with exciting stuff, such as: my sweet sixteen!!!, my little brother Josiah's 9th birthday, my little brother Laban's 14th birthday, CORNERSTONE, hopefully getting the job at PacSun and other things here and there. I'm entirely ready for summer. In fact, I don't think I could be more excited.

I want to feel. I want to know. I want to love. I want to learn. I want to embrace myself. I want to find myself. I want to know myself. I want to trust myself. I want to love myself. I want to discover life.

There is something about the challenge of loving the unwilling that I am deeply intrigued by. There's something about someone saying they need no one, to make me want to be that someone. There must be a reason that I long for your attention, even knowing that your attention is never easy to get. I want to surpass your expectations. I want to make you believe in things you've never believed in before. I want to embrace this apathy for what it is, because underneath it all.. you do feel. You're alive, and somewhere in there I know you care. I can see it, lingering in the shadows of your hurt and fears. One day, someone will unveil the beauty of you and your feelings. There's something about the challenge of saving you that I love. What's more important: saving yourself or letting me in?

Maybe by letting me in, you will be saving yourself.

You give me hope. You're miles away, but your presence never seems far. With this small emblem of the existence of you wrapped around my wrist, I feel invincible, knowing that you are always there. Thank you for giving me this hope. Without you, the deepest shadows of my life would have never even begun to lighten. And even though those shadows frequently darken, spilling grey clouds and pouring rain into the the depths of my soul, I am always aware of the flicker in my heart. A candle in the dark, luminescent and bright even in the weariest of times. A seperate beat that is just for you. A part of me. You will never know how much I owe you, my dear one. Thank you, for your love and for your hope.
And you, precious and most amazing creature, you give me the will to go on. You give me the fight, the force; you are the wind that drives me to bluer skies. What I would do without you is unbearable to think about, so I shall not do so. You are indispensable to my life. Essential, you are. Seeing your smile everyday is what makes me believe that one day I may be able to smile as joyfully as you. You're the brightest star in the sky, the highest tide in the ocean, and the softest breeze on a summer day. Thank you, for being you. That's all I ask of you. Thank you.
I am forever grateful.

"Fear can drive stick and it's taking me down this road... a road down which I swore I'd never go."
from "Devastation and Reform" by (The Amazing) Relient K

In my Honors English II class we are currently indulging in the beautiful writing and terrifying experiences of Mr. Elie Wiesel. His book, Night, is filled with traumatic, horrifying, undeniably true stories of his encounters while in the Holocaust. He is a survivor, and was one of the many people at the concentration camp called Auschwitz. The horrors of World War II leave me speechless; I am numb to the perpetual depletion of compassion in the world. I cannot imagine being in Mr. Wiesel's position. I cannot express the amount of respect that I have for not only him, but all the others who were stolen of their precious lives.
I give my regards to them all.
In class, we were discussing how in the world anyone could condone the killing or even participate in the murdering of thousands of their very own kind. Humans killing humans. What a disgusting thought. I raised my hand and said, "Fear can drive people to do anything," and my teacher agreed. I believe we all ultimately forget that the residents of Germany during the time of World War II/The Holocaust must have also had it quite difficult. I am in no way, shape, or form accepting or encouraging the belittling of the Jews. I am only choosing to recognize the evidence of truth that fear is extremely powerful and significant in one's actions. What would you do if a small Jewish child knocked on your door, and needed a place to stay? Would you hide them even knowing that if you were caught you and your family would surely be put to death? Would you do it anyways, because you knew it was the right thing to do? In all reality, this person and their family is just as deserving as you and I are. So, what's the verdict? We all would inevitably desire to help this person, but how many of us would actually do it? It is always hard to nurture the truth, but it is becoming scarily easy to ignore it. Reading this book is opening my eyes. I need to teach myself that the truth is always the way. Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the light." We should all live our lives and train ourselves well, so that if and when the time comes, we will not back down because we are afraid.
We will stand strong and deliver what is expected of us.

The search for truth is more precious than its possession.

This quote has left me contemplating, and if you truly concentrate on the meaning you'll realize that Albert Einstein is exactly right. We all ask for the truth, but do any of us really want it? After we recieve exactly what we ask for, which is truth, we become angry at whoever was so kind to deliver the burden of the morality and reality of truth itself. I want to become better at this: sincerely wanting and yearning for the truth, whatever the truth may be, I want to accept and learn it.

I will love the light
for it shows me the way,
yet I will endure the darkness
for it shows me the stars.


And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.


I haven't written in a week, so I'm sure all of you were relieved that I was no longer annoying you by posting a thousand blogs. This week has been uneventful but great. I've been in a good mood for basically the whole week. I just bought these adorable shoes last night, and I'm wearing them today:






They make me smile every time I look down at them. And I really want to buy this:




Anyways, I really don't have a reason to be blogging particularly. Just rambling, I suppose.

I'd like to say that I am SUPER SUPER SUPER thankful for the Autosave that Blogger does every five minutes or so, because about a minute ago the ENTIRE class' computers shut down. The whole room was dark for about three seconds. It was so weird. Thank God everything I'd written already was saved. Thanks Blogger!

Anyways, I need to finish the project I'm working on. Have a lovely weekend!

We have a substitute in Computer Apps right now, and he is a little strange... not even being judgemental.

Anyways, a lot/not very much is going on in my life. I guess I could rephrase that and say that a whole lot of little things are going on in my life, but nothing gimongous is going on. Which is nice, and relaxing. I now have a job, at Mtn. View Rec. I work the concessions and get paid every week, pretty good money. It's hard, but worth it to get money.

Today I'm going home with Elise because her brother, Matthew, is having his 11th birthday party. He's precious. I made him cupcakes last night... and I'll upload the pictures from the camera soon. They're not exactly aspiring-pastry-chef material, but they're cute!

So far, today's been good. And I think it will stay that way. We shall see. Well, I shall see.