Why do goodbyes never get any easier?

Seriously. This sucks.

I've said how many goodbyes? At least a thousand. And I still cry like a big baby when I have to say another. They hurt just as bad, over and over. I just love it so much, here in Indiana. If I could move here, I could have a true, new beginning. A new town, a new school, everything. Well, it's not exactly a "new" town to me, but the school and a lot of the people would be. That would feel so good- to have no one know who I am, so I could be absolutely anything I wanted to be.

I thought about a lot today. Some interesting stuff crossed my mind as I was searching through a bunch of old pictures of me when I was little, and my family. They were all my grandmother's pictures, but they've been stored at my papa's house ever since she died. I miss her so much... but, let's not dwell on things we cannot fix, yeah? Alright, so, I was thinking about my past. I've been so caught up in it lately. I was thinking about growing up, and how it really does happen so fast. That sounds so cliche, but when you really think about it- life passes you by in the blink of an eye. Maybe that's why I have so much trouble sleeping. You're probably laughing right now, in your head if not out loud, but I'm not kidding. It could honestly be a physcological problem that I have. When I stay up late at night, it makes me feel like I have control of the speed that my life travels. I feel like I'll miss something if I go to sleep. It's really not good for me.

While I was looking at pictures, I came across something that broke my heart. My grandmother's journal. She writes so beautifully. And you know what all of her journal entries were about? Every single line in that book was about Jesus Christ, her faith in Him, the troubles she'd been through and how He got her through, etc. I can only aspire to be as dedicated to Him as she was. She gives me hope, even though she is incapable of saying a word. She doesn't have to say anything. Her legacy lives on in my life, and I don't doubt that it does in other's as well. I want to be so into God, like she was. I want to crave him, I want to walk blindfolded on a danger-filled road and know that He will be beside me every step of the way, holding my hand; I want to have unwavering faith in Him. I want to make my grandmother proud, and I thank her for instilling in me the desire to know Him better. I thank God for blessing me with such an incredible person in my life, to look up to. I wish more than anything that she was still alive...

I also found out today that my parent's have a court date scheduled, to decide who gets full custody of me and my brothers. I've poured out so many tears over this. Whatever happens, whoever gets me- it will be a humongous turning point in my life. It will make decisions in my life that I won't have control over.

If I'm being completely honest with myself, (which is extremely hard to do at times, but is what this blog is all about) I've already made my decision. I will live with my dad. It is not only what is best for me and my three little brothers, but it's what I want. But that means that I will have to stand before an entire court- and my mother- and say that, out loud, to myself and to everyone else. Honestly, who could do that? Who could stand before their very own mother and say that she'd prefer to live with her dad?

I don't have the heart for that. No matter what she, or my father, for that matter, has done in the past, I don't think I have the courage or the strength to do that. Does that mean I'm weak in the eyes of justice?

I need to pray over this, and I need anyone else who reads this to pray with me. I'd sure appreciate it.

Well, we're leaving early tomorrow morning. I have to drive part of the way back home, so I should get some rest.

Oh, and for the record, I don't exaggerate my accent. It was so great to find out that while we were still close you were talking about me behind my back, trying to make people that I love think that I'm fake and I pretend to have a southern drawl. Can't say I'm that surprised, but it still upset me. News flash, honey, I live in North Carolina. We all have accents. Thank you very much. Thanks for caring enough about me to try and get everyone that I'm close to against me, though.

Yeah, I was right. I definitely need some rest. I'm tired of fighting with myself.