What do I call this?

I don't even know what to title this blog. I mean, if I could at least get ahold of my feelings, I might be "decent" or even "okay", but I can't even do that....
It seems to get even more impossible everyday.

Alot of things are bothering me right now. I don't want to sound ungrateful or picky, but I really need to let off some steam.
(FYI: This steam isn't necessarily "angry steam" or whatever. It doesn't have to be an angry emotion, just to let you know.)

Today wasn't so good.

It started off amazing- with 1st period. We had to present our 3-D Cell projects to the class, and some people made cakes and stuff in the shapes of eukaryotic cells. There was some really creative stuff! But because my last name begins with a 'U', I didn't get to go yet. Instead, I have to present Monday. I wanted to present it today.... so, I guess you could say it all went downhill from there.

Civics wasn't especially anything. It was just Civics. Plain ole' boring Civics. Wait, wait- let me rephrase that. Plain 'ole boring Mr. Howard. Civics itself I find extremely interesting- call me crazy. Mr. Howard is a generally nice person, don't get me wrong, but he is just so bland. BUT- I made either a 93 or a 91 on the Chapter 6 Test today! That, actually, made me happy. I studied really hard for it last night. I would've liked to have made at least a 95, but hey- I'm not complaining. The only reason I didn't (not to brag) is because he put some questions on there that didn't even relate to Civics!? He even admitted they weren't relevant. Whatever...


Theatre Arts is always my favorite class. (And just a little sidenote: Marlee, if you're reading this, I know exactly what you're thinking. Maybe even Makenzie too. Y'all, ssssshhhh ;D) Anyways, back on-topic. Today, Theatre Arts was contradicting itself. It was still my favorite part of the day, but it's also when I started crying? I'm not sure how that adds up, but somehow it does. Mrs. Blake had me make copies for the upcoming production, 'Seussical'. (Oh! I forgot to say that Mrs. Blake wants me to be in it, as a "bird girl". I didn't even audition, she just asked me, because she knows I sing. So, I'll be a small part of that. Some other girls quit, and she needed help- and I love singing, and I like acting a lot too, so why not? More news on that will probably come later.) That took up the whole first half of that period. Then, I went to lunch. I forgot lunch money, and I was starving. It was quite depressing, really. Brittany bought me a cookie (Thank you so much!), but it didn't hold me up for the rest of the day. Plus, I really wasn't in the mood for anything sweet. I was extremely quiet at lunch.... things were building up inside me. I wasn't quite sure just what to do with myself, or what to think. I was texting Alora though, and of course that made me feel at least a little better. I can't exactly say what/who/the situation that was bothering me; people might read it and get offended or ticked off. And I don't want that to happen. I am most definitely NOT trying to cause trouble in any way, shape or form.

Let's just say...... people change in high school, BIG TIME. When I was younger, even most of last year, I just laughed it off when people said that for the most part. I figured that me and my friends were going to stick together through everything, and that our morals would never waver. I figured upperclassmen just said that to sound much cooler than us freshmen. Now, I'm a sophomore, and I'm not saying that's the reason I finally figured out that what they were saying was really true, but I'm just saying that freshmen year was like the final cut-off for 90% of everyone's innocence.

But not mine. I'm still so naive, and that gives everyone reason to take advantage of me. All my friends morals are in fact wavering, but mine are standing strong. It hurts to see everyone falling around me, caught in the same trap. If we were all soldiers, would I be the last one standing?

It's really ironic how at the same time I'm sticking to my morals, it pains me. Everyday. That's supposed to be a good thing, correct? But instead, I just get taken advantage of, picked on. I'm not bragging on myself- not one bit- I'm just wondering how such a "respected" thing in "Adult World" is considered "lame" and "uncool" in high school. I'm not giving up though. I refuse.

Is it okay to be strong and so, so weak at the same time? Is that possible?

Anyways, back to Theater Arts. I had to give someone his jacket back. Everyone, him first, could tell something was wrong. They asked me to talk about, told me that they were good listeners. It wasn't that I didn't believe them, it was just that just like every other time I try to explain my feelings in words rather than song- it made no sense.

I can't even exactly pinpoint the exact cause of my depression today- it was so many things at once.

I definitely can't put the name or what happened in here, because I don't want word to get back to him, as all of us in Hickory know it will. Small towns, fast talk. But something happened, and it was supposed to make me feel better- and it did. But it also made me cry even faster, and more.
I'm sorry- that probably makes no sense. I just wanted to say that, to get it out, for myself. Selfish relief.

Fourth period, Yearbook, was fine. I was still upset. And Makenzie could tell. It really pains me that she cared that I was upset. I know, I know, that seriously makes no sense. What I mean is, it made me happy that she cared, but it made me reminisce a bit. Back to when me and her were so close, like- inseperable. I don't know.... I just really, really miss Makenzie.


People change and promises are broken, right?
That's what some wise person once.... uh, sang, to me.

I've started a ritual. Every morning I have what I like to call a "Jam Session with Jesus". I only play worship music, and I just sing my heart out- to Him and Him only. I've been getting closer to Him, and I am more than excited about that. He's exactly what I need.

By the way- LITTLE SIDENOTE FOR MARLEE- thank you for my part in your blog. You know what you mean to me. I couldn't even begin to explain it on here, so, sorry love, I won't try.



Maybe I should stop.
I'm positive I'm boring y'all... at least a little bit, if not a lot.

I'll write more later though, there's still so much to say.

XOXO, Emily Love

"Sick and tired of this world, there's no more air. Tripping over myself, going nowhere. Waiting, suffocated, no direction, I took a dive and- on the way down, I saw you and you saved me from myself, and I won't forget the way you loved me. And on the way down, I almost fell right through, but I held on to you..."

If you only knew.