This is the part of my life that no one wants to hear about.

I'm having a breakdown.
I miss him so much...

but he's so far away, and so unattainable it's sickening. I listened to his voice, and I was bawling so badly that I literally could not breathe.

What is wrong with me?


I'm home all alone, hence the reason I feel completely alone. My brothers are spending the night at the Kauffman's again, and Daddy had to go to work- again. Before he left he asked me if I was okay, and if I'd be okay while he's gone, and of course I said "yes" like I always do. But I wanted so badly to run into his arms and squeeze him again like a little girl. I miss him so badly, because I don't get to see him hardly ever anymore. When I'm at my mom's every other week I don't get to see him all of that week, and then when I am at his house he's always working to make up for bills that we can't pay.
I'm scared of being a disappointment to him. I don't want to tell him that I get depressed alot, because I want to look like I have it all together for him and my little brothers. But I don't have it all together. At all. I'm sick of pretending like I do.
How can I be strong for other people when I can't even be strong for myself? I don't want to be a weak person either, but I'm just so tired of it all.

Back to him- I miss him terribly and I love him dearly. But he's a secret, because if people found out they would think I was insane. Or they would think that I don't really love him- but they don't know the half of it. Like how I can never get to sleep, because I'm always up thinking about him. Or how something always brings me back to him, when I'm trying so hard to let go.

Last night at the football game, I saw an ex-boyfriend. He's supposed to be moving schools this year, so I was suprised to see him there. It hurts to see him, because before we dated we were best friends. Really, really close. But I never loved him. I was just scared of hurting him, so I dated him. I realize now how wrong that was, because I ended up hurting him. Either way he would've been hurt. I was young, how was I supposed to know what to do?

But being young is no excuse anymore- because I'm not really all that young anymore.


I just miss being friends with him. Now he won't even talk to me.

He hangs out with the "popular" kids. I used to be one of those. Now? Not so much. And I really don't care about being popular- I just hate popularity altogether. The way all those kids ONLY hang out with each other ALL the time, and how they look at me- It really hurts. Like they're better than me. I guess they could typically be better off than me, emotionally, physically and probably finacially; but I just don't think it's necessary to feel inferior to them. Right?

Not one of them cares whether I have problems or not. I act all bubbly and hyper at games, and don't get me wrong- I'm a fun person and all- but lately it's usually been an act. I'm a very bubbly person, but this year has just been so hard.

I tell myself to always remember there's someone that's got it worse. Even when it feels like there is no way that could be possible, it is.

I'm just so sick of telling everyone it's okay, when it's really NOT.

I can't wait to truly be myself again- to be the bubbly and energetic Emily. I need to find myself. But finding myself is alot harder than it looks- there is a million pieces to me. I'll find her someday, until then.... I'll write more blogs in hopes of by spilling my guts to y'all, I will find me.

More later.
Sorry to fill you in on my depression-filled hidden self.

XOXO, Emily Love