Today is a lovely day, and I feel good. I can honestly say that, and it feels even greater than you can fathom to be able to say that. I feel good. Such short, concise words, but yet they mean so much to me.

Although it may seem as if, I can promise you that I am not bipolar. Since the last time I wrote (which hasn't been too long ago), I've decided to try and gain a different perspective on things. And it's working. Yesterday, I cleaned my room completely. I'm talking about vacuumed and everything. It's spotless and it's such a refreshment. It helps with the whole, I'm-going-to-have-a-new-attitude thing.

I still have troubles and my well of tears is far from dry, but I'm taking life as it is, day by day. The simplicity and beautfy of life around me I'll miss if I don't start taking the time to notice. I'm Emily Dawn Underwood, and I am who I am, and I'm going to like it. I may not know every little piece of me- but that's part of the process, the journey, that I (and everyone else) is taking.

My papa arrived last night at about eleven o'clock. I knew he was coming down for spring break, but I didn't know he would be here so soon, considering our spring break doesn't start until April 10th. It was a pleasant surprise, and I'm happy to see him. He even brought a camper with him, so that must mean he's staying a little longer than usual. [:

Everyone and everything is bringing me down. Dragging me farther into self-consciousness. And there's one more reason I hate myself: for letting it all get to me.

Sooner or later, I won't be able to take this.

This life is about more than we could ever imagine. It's not only about where we've been, where we are, and where we're going, but it's also about the people we meet along the way. The experiences we dive into. The knowledge we attain. Even the heartbreak that we feel. It's all so surreal, catching your breath is sometimes quite impossible. Soak in everything that you can, feel the beauty that's within. Remind yourself that you are beautiful, because you are God's creation. I stand, stupefied, in awe of what He has made. Don't be afraid to be afraid. Reach out, and touch someone. Be whimsical and carefree. Every moment is a moment full of possibilities. Take chances, and let nothing pass you by. Let no moment go wasted.

There's so much to say, it's almost sickening. To think that I could write endless paragraphs, but never fully be able to get out everything that I need to drown out the voice inside my head. It tells me to keep writing, yet my fingers pause, afraid and confused. Stuck at a loss with no words, but a million thoughts. They're screaming at me from all directions, but I can't seem to find the key to unlock the door inside of me. I am always changing, yet change is the fear that I fear the most. Change overwhelms me; fills me with doubt and angst. It buckles my knees, and makes me cry. It whispers in my ear, vivacious and loud. Change is what it is, always changing. It's a part of everyone and everything. I can't escape it. I'm trying to let go, but it's fingers are wrapped around my wrist, and there is nowhere to turn. I must learn to live with it. Maybe that is the key; the key I've been longing for so long to find. The key to me.

We are all changing, evolving, and growing. It's the circle of life; the human cycle. No one seems to understand that completely, and if they do, they ignore it and blame each other anyways. Plenty of people have sworn to me that they would be there for me through whatever, but they are not sticking to their promises. When times get tough and I'm going through a rough spot in my life, however long that rough spot may be, they give up on me. It happens every time.

I'm sorry that I wasn't all you made me out to be. I'm sorry that I didn't live up to your expectations. I told you that I wouldn't. I'm sorry that I couldn't be all you wanted me to be. But I'm tired. I'm so tired of trying to be what everyone wants me to be, instead of just being me. Because the truth is, everyone is going to want me to be something different. Everyone has different needs and wants. I can't be everything, all at once. I can't be different things for different people. I just need to be me. I'm worn out, from trying to be "me". Obviously, I'm not being me. I'm being everything but me. If I'm not good enough, just leave me, like everyone else does, before it gets too late.

Even if you don't turn back, I will always be here, just in case.