This is the part of my life that no one wants to hear about.

I'm having a breakdown.
I miss him so much...

but he's so far away, and so unattainable it's sickening. I listened to his voice, and I was bawling so badly that I literally could not breathe.

What is wrong with me?


I'm home all alone, hence the reason I feel completely alone. My brothers are spending the night at the Kauffman's again, and Daddy had to go to work- again. Before he left he asked me if I was okay, and if I'd be okay while he's gone, and of course I said "yes" like I always do. But I wanted so badly to run into his arms and squeeze him again like a little girl. I miss him so badly, because I don't get to see him hardly ever anymore. When I'm at my mom's every other week I don't get to see him all of that week, and then when I am at his house he's always working to make up for bills that we can't pay.
I'm scared of being a disappointment to him. I don't want to tell him that I get depressed alot, because I want to look like I have it all together for him and my little brothers. But I don't have it all together. At all. I'm sick of pretending like I do.
How can I be strong for other people when I can't even be strong for myself? I don't want to be a weak person either, but I'm just so tired of it all.

Back to him- I miss him terribly and I love him dearly. But he's a secret, because if people found out they would think I was insane. Or they would think that I don't really love him- but they don't know the half of it. Like how I can never get to sleep, because I'm always up thinking about him. Or how something always brings me back to him, when I'm trying so hard to let go.

Last night at the football game, I saw an ex-boyfriend. He's supposed to be moving schools this year, so I was suprised to see him there. It hurts to see him, because before we dated we were best friends. Really, really close. But I never loved him. I was just scared of hurting him, so I dated him. I realize now how wrong that was, because I ended up hurting him. Either way he would've been hurt. I was young, how was I supposed to know what to do?

But being young is no excuse anymore- because I'm not really all that young anymore.


I just miss being friends with him. Now he won't even talk to me.

He hangs out with the "popular" kids. I used to be one of those. Now? Not so much. And I really don't care about being popular- I just hate popularity altogether. The way all those kids ONLY hang out with each other ALL the time, and how they look at me- It really hurts. Like they're better than me. I guess they could typically be better off than me, emotionally, physically and probably finacially; but I just don't think it's necessary to feel inferior to them. Right?

Not one of them cares whether I have problems or not. I act all bubbly and hyper at games, and don't get me wrong- I'm a fun person and all- but lately it's usually been an act. I'm a very bubbly person, but this year has just been so hard.

I tell myself to always remember there's someone that's got it worse. Even when it feels like there is no way that could be possible, it is.

I'm just so sick of telling everyone it's okay, when it's really NOT.

I can't wait to truly be myself again- to be the bubbly and energetic Emily. I need to find myself. But finding myself is alot harder than it looks- there is a million pieces to me. I'll find her someday, until then.... I'll write more blogs in hopes of by spilling my guts to y'all, I will find me.

More later.
Sorry to fill you in on my depression-filled hidden self.

XOXO, Emily Love

Basically last day of summer is today,

because tomorrow is Sunday, and it doesn't really count because I'll be at church and then lunch with the family and then pretty much taking a shower, picking out my outfit, doing my hair, and going to sleep- then waking up and going to school.

Marlee just left. She spent the night after the first Foard (my highschool) football game of the season last night. It was pretty chill because I got to see like, everyone, from our school.

Yesterday me and Daddy spent the majority of the day together. He took me to sell ads, and I sold one or two, and the rest are "maybe's", which means at least three or four of them will more than likely buy at least the cheapest ad. We went to this place called 'Pleaser's' downtown, and I got a cheeseburger. Well, I wasn't thinking about it being a family-owned good ole' Southern restaurant, because at McDonald's I get "everything" on my cheeseburger (cheese, pickle, ketchup, mustard, onion). They gave me the cheeseburger, and as a true Southerner I felt so stupid, because my "all-the-way cheeseburger" had cole slaw and everything slapped on there, it was oozing with the stuff. I couldn't even get it in my mouth and I ended up throwing away 75% of it. So tip for all of y'all people up north: Remember that in the South when you ask for everything, you get EVERYTHING.

After four, Daddy and I went grocery shopping and then went to Sally's Beauty and got my waver. I was super stoked, and I did my hair for the game. I got alot of compliments on it, but I felt like my face looked horrible- even if my hair did look sort of pretty.

I'm watching 'Full House' now. Well, it's on commercial, but you know. I love that show so much, it's so cute. (:

I don't really have anything to do all day. I think I'll call Ashley or Samantha and Megan and see if they want to hang. Maybe not, because me and Marlee were talking about going to see 'The Rocker' tonight, since it's our last night of summer where we can actually not go to sleep and get by with it. Tomorrow I've gotta hit the sack at at least 9.

I'll blog later, probably.

XOXO, Emily Love

Dang these sleepless nights!

Yeah, it's 4:35 A.M., and I'm still up doing absolutely nothing. Well, that's not completely true, I'm downloading some songs onto my iPod. Paramore, Forever The Sickest Kids, and The Cure are among the artists that are beginning to pile up on my list of downloading songs on LimeWire. I'm not sure what you're opinion is on using LimeWire, but I apologize if you think it's wrong. I really can't afford to pay $1 per song that I want though. Music is my go-to for every situation, so that means I'd be paying a buttload of dollars.

Tomorrow- well, today, since it's past midnight- I really need to sell some ads for journalism class. But, like I said in my previous post, I really hate selling things to people. I wouldn't mind being in commercials, ha, but that's a different story. I just hate asking people for money, it just feels so.... questionably rude. Maybe it's just me.

I really miss talking to Alora. She sent me a message on MySpace today, and told me she's grounded from her laptop and cellphone. Quite depressing, really. I talk to her everyday, so it's not exactly the greatest thing to happen to me today. Well, for the record, I love Alora and can't wait until she and I can have our crazy cool conversations again.

ALL THREE of my brothers fell asleep on my bedroom floor. And one keeps talking in his sleep, hahahaha. It's pretty hilarious.

Ahh, I don't know what else to say. Hayley Williams is amazing, no matter how random that was. She's such an inspiration. She has so much depth to her, and wisdom, and not to mention she's gorgeous. It's extremely hard not to be unhealthily jealous of her. But I love her music, and her sense of style, and everything. Well I guess it's not "her" music, I love Paramore's music. The guys in the band are awesome too.

I need to go find my remote for my tv...
and I should lay down and watch some reruns or something.
Too late to go to sleep now, then I won't wake up and drag myself out of bed until past noon.
That's not acceptable, so when the sun's up and dad's gone to work, I'll go get me some breakfast.

(:

Talk to y'all later on today probably.

XOXO, Emily Love

Riot! Riot! Riot!

Paramore seriously sings my life; it's almost kind of creepy! Haha, nahh, I love them soooooooooooo much. They're amazing, most definitely one of my favorite favorite bands.


Today was kind of rough. My best guy friend, Jordan, is leaving tomorrow for college, so me, Marlee, Monica, Brittney, and Heather went out to eat at Akito's with him. Then we all walked to Food Lion and Dollar General, haha. My feet are sore now, but it was worth it. I never actually said the word 'goodbye' to him... I was too scared too. I'm going to miss him so much. I love you Jordan! <3

I was going to spend the night with Marlee, but my dad wouldn't let me because I need to sell ads for journalism. Ew, gag me. I hate selling stuff, I feel so rude. Like I'm intruding on someone's life and asking for money, haha. But I have to suck it up and do it if I want a good grade. Which I do.

Speaking of that, I can't wait for school to start! I went to Target tonight with my family (minus my mom) and got the last of the school supplies I needed. Oh, and a wallet/clutch and dress, which I'm thinking I might wear on the first day. That's definitely not for sure though, so I don't know. Not that you care or anything, haha.

I get my braces off in like two months or so! I'm STOKED. All these people are getting theirs off and I'm getting jealous.
:p


I didn't get to see Teddy today. I know, I know- so sad. I'm determined to see him tomorrow though, so no worries!


I should go to sleep.
I'll write tomorrow.

XOXO, Emily Love

Generic cookies

are actually really good! Well, at least, the kind I just ate. Normally, not so much. My dad is like King Generic Cookie Shopper; no lie.

TOMORROW 'THE ROCKER' COMES OUT! Which means I get to see Teddy Geiger on a big, fat screen for almost two whole hours! WOOHOO! :D

Me, Marlee, and my guy best friend Jordan are going to eat at Akito's at 6 tomorrow, and then going to see 'The Rocker' at 7. I'm stoked. Plus, I haven't seen Jordan since he went off to college.
Oh, and I'm talking to Jordan on AIM right now. (:

I don't know what else to talk about really...
I'm hungry, I might blog later.

XOXO, Emily Love