that this "I'm-so-sorry-and-I-miss-you" streak of yours would last for about...
2.5 seconds.
(Or, really, barely 24 hours.)
I wish, for once, I could believe this was real. But you are quickly proving yourself wrong.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Tell me, familiar stranger, can you see the fear in my eyes?
I've never wrote poetry. I've always wrote songs. But do little phrases like the title to this blog of mine count towards my artistic abilities scale?
I stared in awe at the sunset this morning. I'd love to say that I woke up to it, except for the fact that I was already awake when it was coming up so radiantly over the trees. So beautiful. I can't even describe, or put into words, it's magnificence. If you've never "woke up" to or just seen the sunset, you are most definitely missing out. Out here in the country, in the middle of nowhere, the Boondocks, whatever you want to call it- I must say we do have the best view of the sunset and the stars. Well, we have the best view from anywhere else I've ever been.
I was supposed to get up semi-earlyish and do housework for my dad. He doesn't like it when I don't get up at a reasonable time. But it's Saturday! Saturday is like, the day for sleeping in, correct? Oh well. I hate being a disappointment to him though, in any way. Disappointment is my motivation. I fear of being a disappointment, so I motivate myself to get things done.
I was reading The Shack the other day. It makes me think a lot about my relationship with God, and I love that. It scares me at the same time, how far away I am from the level I want to be with Him. I should do my own little bible studies each day on here. Or I'll just do them in my room, to my self.
You know, sometimes we get so caught up in life and how things should be that we don't take in to account how things really are. If you can find where you are at in your life, then you know where to start. But if you just keep wishing things were better and keep imagining how things should be or how they could be, always thinking the grass is greener on the other side- you'll miss out on the little things that are truly amazing.
♥
XOXO, Emily
---
I read your blogs. If I'm being honest with myself and with you, they really touched me and I cried my eyes out. I don't know what to say though. Of course, I want all those things back too. But I've wanted those things back to how they used to be for a long time. And when I wanted things back that way, you didn't.
And to be honest (again), I'm scared that you'll just keep spending all your time with your boyfriend. I know he's your boyfriend, but where does your "best friend" fit into your life? I need time with you too.
Oh, and, let's be honest, again. Ha. (Let's be honest all the time!?) I know I told you that I don't want to just drop all of my other friends for you, and that's true. And I was being honest.... but, not completely.... because I never told you, that sometimes.... I feel like I don't need anyone else, but you.
Except, sometimes, you can't go off of just a feeling.
I stared in awe at the sunset this morning. I'd love to say that I woke up to it, except for the fact that I was already awake when it was coming up so radiantly over the trees. So beautiful. I can't even describe, or put into words, it's magnificence. If you've never "woke up" to or just seen the sunset, you are most definitely missing out. Out here in the country, in the middle of nowhere, the Boondocks, whatever you want to call it- I must say we do have the best view of the sunset and the stars. Well, we have the best view from anywhere else I've ever been.
I was supposed to get up semi-earlyish and do housework for my dad. He doesn't like it when I don't get up at a reasonable time. But it's Saturday! Saturday is like, the day for sleeping in, correct? Oh well. I hate being a disappointment to him though, in any way. Disappointment is my motivation. I fear of being a disappointment, so I motivate myself to get things done.
I was reading The Shack the other day. It makes me think a lot about my relationship with God, and I love that. It scares me at the same time, how far away I am from the level I want to be with Him. I should do my own little bible studies each day on here. Or I'll just do them in my room, to my self.
You know, sometimes we get so caught up in life and how things should be that we don't take in to account how things really are. If you can find where you are at in your life, then you know where to start. But if you just keep wishing things were better and keep imagining how things should be or how they could be, always thinking the grass is greener on the other side- you'll miss out on the little things that are truly amazing.
♥
XOXO, Emily
---
I read your blogs. If I'm being honest with myself and with you, they really touched me and I cried my eyes out. I don't know what to say though. Of course, I want all those things back too. But I've wanted those things back to how they used to be for a long time. And when I wanted things back that way, you didn't.
And to be honest (again), I'm scared that you'll just keep spending all your time with your boyfriend. I know he's your boyfriend, but where does your "best friend" fit into your life? I need time with you too.
Oh, and, let's be honest, again. Ha. (Let's be honest all the time!?) I know I told you that I don't want to just drop all of my other friends for you, and that's true. And I was being honest.... but, not completely.... because I never told you, that sometimes.... I feel like I don't need anyone else, but you.
Except, sometimes, you can't go off of just a feeling.
Hm,
I don't even know where the heck to start.
I had a rough night Monday. Extremely rough. Possibly the roughest night of my life. Let's just leave it at that. I don't want to talk about it. Not even on this blog. It's all in my new diary that Amanda bought me for Christmas though, so if you can find a way to sneak into my room and snatch my diary from it's secret place, then you'll understand what I'm talking about. But that'll never happen, so you're screwed.
AMERICAN IDOL STARTED! OH YEAH, BABY. jfghdfjkghjkdfhgkjdg. I'm so EXCITED. Can you tell!?!?!?
;D
Tonight me and Daddy went to see Seven Pounds. It was absolutely amazing. I mean, I wasn't expecting anything less from THE WILL SMITH, but still. I was shocked by it's greatness. Hahaha. Seriously, get off your lazy butt and go see it. You won't regret it. Totally worth the $8.50, even though that price is outrageous.
I left my phone in ARod's car Thursday. How lame of me. I think we're going to chill tomorrow and I'll get it back then. I hope so.
The Secret Life of the American Teenager = <3
New episode Monday night! Of that AND The City. And then Tuesday night American Idol has a new episode. Dang, best two nights of my life.
c[:
We're out of school Monday and Tuesday and then Wednesday we go back to school and start a whole new semester. I'm talkin' all new classes, all new teachers, all new classmates, etc. I'm actually excited for a change.
Woah, I'm tired as crap.
Goodnight.
♥
You showed up at the movies tonight unexpectedly. I wish you knew that it killed me seeing you.
I had a rough night Monday. Extremely rough. Possibly the roughest night of my life. Let's just leave it at that. I don't want to talk about it. Not even on this blog. It's all in my new diary that Amanda bought me for Christmas though, so if you can find a way to sneak into my room and snatch my diary from it's secret place, then you'll understand what I'm talking about. But that'll never happen, so you're screwed.
AMERICAN IDOL STARTED! OH YEAH, BABY. jfghdfjkghjkdfhgkjdg. I'm so EXCITED. Can you tell!?!?!?
;D
Tonight me and Daddy went to see Seven Pounds. It was absolutely amazing. I mean, I wasn't expecting anything less from THE WILL SMITH, but still. I was shocked by it's greatness. Hahaha. Seriously, get off your lazy butt and go see it. You won't regret it. Totally worth the $8.50, even though that price is outrageous.
I left my phone in ARod's car Thursday. How lame of me. I think we're going to chill tomorrow and I'll get it back then. I hope so.
The Secret Life of the American Teenager = <3
New episode Monday night! Of that AND The City. And then Tuesday night American Idol has a new episode. Dang, best two nights of my life.
c[:
We're out of school Monday and Tuesday and then Wednesday we go back to school and start a whole new semester. I'm talkin' all new classes, all new teachers, all new classmates, etc. I'm actually excited for a change.
Woah, I'm tired as crap.
Goodnight.
♥
You showed up at the movies tonight unexpectedly. I wish you knew that it killed me seeing you.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Why do goodbyes never get any easier?
Seriously. This sucks.
I've said how many goodbyes? At least a thousand. And I still cry like a big baby when I have to say another. They hurt just as bad, over and over. I just love it so much, here in Indiana. If I could move here, I could have a true, new beginning. A new town, a new school, everything. Well, it's not exactly a "new" town to me, but the school and a lot of the people would be. That would feel so good- to have no one know who I am, so I could be absolutely anything I wanted to be.
I thought about a lot today. Some interesting stuff crossed my mind as I was searching through a bunch of old pictures of me when I was little, and my family. They were all my grandmother's pictures, but they've been stored at my papa's house ever since she died. I miss her so much... but, let's not dwell on things we cannot fix, yeah? Alright, so, I was thinking about my past. I've been so caught up in it lately. I was thinking about growing up, and how it really does happen so fast. That sounds so cliche, but when you really think about it- life passes you by in the blink of an eye. Maybe that's why I have so much trouble sleeping. You're probably laughing right now, in your head if not out loud, but I'm not kidding. It could honestly be a physcological problem that I have. When I stay up late at night, it makes me feel like I have control of the speed that my life travels. I feel like I'll miss something if I go to sleep. It's really not good for me.
While I was looking at pictures, I came across something that broke my heart. My grandmother's journal. She writes so beautifully. And you know what all of her journal entries were about? Every single line in that book was about Jesus Christ, her faith in Him, the troubles she'd been through and how He got her through, etc. I can only aspire to be as dedicated to Him as she was. She gives me hope, even though she is incapable of saying a word. She doesn't have to say anything. Her legacy lives on in my life, and I don't doubt that it does in other's as well. I want to be so into God, like she was. I want to crave him, I want to walk blindfolded on a danger-filled road and know that He will be beside me every step of the way, holding my hand; I want to have unwavering faith in Him. I want to make my grandmother proud, and I thank her for instilling in me the desire to know Him better. I thank God for blessing me with such an incredible person in my life, to look up to. I wish more than anything that she was still alive...
I also found out today that my parent's have a court date scheduled, to decide who gets full custody of me and my brothers. I've poured out so many tears over this. Whatever happens, whoever gets me- it will be a humongous turning point in my life. It will make decisions in my life that I won't have control over.
If I'm being completely honest with myself, (which is extremely hard to do at times, but is what this blog is all about) I've already made my decision. I will live with my dad. It is not only what is best for me and my three little brothers, but it's what I want. But that means that I will have to stand before an entire court- and my mother- and say that, out loud, to myself and to everyone else. Honestly, who could do that? Who could stand before their very own mother and say that she'd prefer to live with her dad?
I don't have the heart for that. No matter what she, or my father, for that matter, has done in the past, I don't think I have the courage or the strength to do that. Does that mean I'm weak in the eyes of justice?
I need to pray over this, and I need anyone else who reads this to pray with me. I'd sure appreciate it.
Well, we're leaving early tomorrow morning. I have to drive part of the way back home, so I should get some rest.
Oh, and for the record, I don't exaggerate my accent. It was so great to find out that while we were still close you were talking about me behind my back, trying to make people that I love think that I'm fake and I pretend to have a southern drawl. Can't say I'm that surprised, but it still upset me. News flash, honey, I live in North Carolina. We all have accents. Thank you very much. Thanks for caring enough about me to try and get everyone that I'm close to against me, though.
Yeah, I was right. I definitely need some rest. I'm tired of fighting with myself.
I've said how many goodbyes? At least a thousand. And I still cry like a big baby when I have to say another. They hurt just as bad, over and over. I just love it so much, here in Indiana. If I could move here, I could have a true, new beginning. A new town, a new school, everything. Well, it's not exactly a "new" town to me, but the school and a lot of the people would be. That would feel so good- to have no one know who I am, so I could be absolutely anything I wanted to be.
I thought about a lot today. Some interesting stuff crossed my mind as I was searching through a bunch of old pictures of me when I was little, and my family. They were all my grandmother's pictures, but they've been stored at my papa's house ever since she died. I miss her so much... but, let's not dwell on things we cannot fix, yeah? Alright, so, I was thinking about my past. I've been so caught up in it lately. I was thinking about growing up, and how it really does happen so fast. That sounds so cliche, but when you really think about it- life passes you by in the blink of an eye. Maybe that's why I have so much trouble sleeping. You're probably laughing right now, in your head if not out loud, but I'm not kidding. It could honestly be a physcological problem that I have. When I stay up late at night, it makes me feel like I have control of the speed that my life travels. I feel like I'll miss something if I go to sleep. It's really not good for me.
While I was looking at pictures, I came across something that broke my heart. My grandmother's journal. She writes so beautifully. And you know what all of her journal entries were about? Every single line in that book was about Jesus Christ, her faith in Him, the troubles she'd been through and how He got her through, etc. I can only aspire to be as dedicated to Him as she was. She gives me hope, even though she is incapable of saying a word. She doesn't have to say anything. Her legacy lives on in my life, and I don't doubt that it does in other's as well. I want to be so into God, like she was. I want to crave him, I want to walk blindfolded on a danger-filled road and know that He will be beside me every step of the way, holding my hand; I want to have unwavering faith in Him. I want to make my grandmother proud, and I thank her for instilling in me the desire to know Him better. I thank God for blessing me with such an incredible person in my life, to look up to. I wish more than anything that she was still alive...
I also found out today that my parent's have a court date scheduled, to decide who gets full custody of me and my brothers. I've poured out so many tears over this. Whatever happens, whoever gets me- it will be a humongous turning point in my life. It will make decisions in my life that I won't have control over.
If I'm being completely honest with myself, (which is extremely hard to do at times, but is what this blog is all about) I've already made my decision. I will live with my dad. It is not only what is best for me and my three little brothers, but it's what I want. But that means that I will have to stand before an entire court- and my mother- and say that, out loud, to myself and to everyone else. Honestly, who could do that? Who could stand before their very own mother and say that she'd prefer to live with her dad?
I don't have the heart for that. No matter what she, or my father, for that matter, has done in the past, I don't think I have the courage or the strength to do that. Does that mean I'm weak in the eyes of justice?
I need to pray over this, and I need anyone else who reads this to pray with me. I'd sure appreciate it.
Well, we're leaving early tomorrow morning. I have to drive part of the way back home, so I should get some rest.
Oh, and for the record, I don't exaggerate my accent. It was so great to find out that while we were still close you were talking about me behind my back, trying to make people that I love think that I'm fake and I pretend to have a southern drawl. Can't say I'm that surprised, but it still upset me. News flash, honey, I live in North Carolina. We all have accents. Thank you very much. Thanks for caring enough about me to try and get everyone that I'm close to against me, though.
Yeah, I was right. I definitely need some rest. I'm tired of fighting with myself.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
January 1st, 2009
IT'S 2009, BABY!
And I, for one, am very excited about it. I've been wanting to start off fresh for a while, so I can almost recreate myself, in a sense. Keep what's good and throw out what's bad. A clean slate.
Well, anyways. Juliann's party was fun. Juliann, Amanda, Justin Phillips, Garrett, Danny, Jonathan, Matt, Emily Muller, and I were all there. Jonathan left early, after he'd crashed the counter full of snacks, and Matt came later. We all played Apples to Apples and some other game that I can't pronounce. Bingadelash- or something like that.
XD
I'm almost finished with Breaking Dawn, the fourth book in the Twilight series. People think I'm insane- but I love Jacob. Of course, I love Bella and Edward too. But Jacob is just amazing. Just like the kid who plays his character in the movie, Taylor Lautner.
AND THEY'RE NOT USING HIM FOR THE SECOND MOVIE. I AM STARTING A RIOT.
Mhm, count on it. I've got his back. And his front.
Muahahaha. Kidding. (;
I need to get to bed. I think I'm getting dimensia from staying up extremely late (like 6 AM) for the past three nights and then sleeping during the middle of the day.
Goodnight, hope everyone's New Year's was amazing.
♥
And I, for one, am very excited about it. I've been wanting to start off fresh for a while, so I can almost recreate myself, in a sense. Keep what's good and throw out what's bad. A clean slate.
Well, anyways. Juliann's party was fun. Juliann, Amanda, Justin Phillips, Garrett, Danny, Jonathan, Matt, Emily Muller, and I were all there. Jonathan left early, after he'd crashed the counter full of snacks, and Matt came later. We all played Apples to Apples and some other game that I can't pronounce. Bingadelash- or something like that.
XD
I'm almost finished with Breaking Dawn, the fourth book in the Twilight series. People think I'm insane- but I love Jacob. Of course, I love Bella and Edward too. But Jacob is just amazing. Just like the kid who plays his character in the movie, Taylor Lautner.
AND THEY'RE NOT USING HIM FOR THE SECOND MOVIE. I AM STARTING A RIOT.
Mhm, count on it. I've got his back. And his front.
Muahahaha. Kidding. (;
I need to get to bed. I think I'm getting dimensia from staying up extremely late (like 6 AM) for the past three nights and then sleeping during the middle of the day.
Goodnight, hope everyone's New Year's was amazing.
♥
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